She Will Be Loved

Sorry.

Wed, 18 May 2005 16:34:03 GMT

Hullo my faithful readers, please don't hit/throw things at/kill me. I am sorry for being away from this for so long. I came to post this little apology because it looks like this fanfic is going to be on hold for a little while.

The fantasy book I have written is being requested by publishers right now and I am busy editing and making sure everything is flawless, as well as trying to find myself a real editor. I thank you all very much for sticking with me when I go AWOL for awhile, and I hope, by the time I get back to this fanfic, you all will still be around.

Again, my deepest apologies.

~Diana

29. Let the Rain Fall

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 18:51:29 GMT

I've been up for almost three hours now. If you're quick on math, that would tell you I've been up since about four in the morning. I just couldn't sleep anymore. One, because someone was snoring too loud. I'd say who it was if I knew, but it was so loud that it was resounding through the room and making it seem like the very walls themselves were snoring! *sighs* That and I've got a lot on my mind.

So I came down here to the beach to watch the sunrise. Of course I brought my computer with me so I can write if the muse strikes. I'm under this pavilion type thing since it's drizzling a bit, but I think it should clear up soon. You know, even in the rain I don't think I've ever seen a sunrise like the ones down here. The sun played hide and seek in the heavy clouds for awhile, but for one brief, intense moment it broke through, reaching blazing red, orange, and gold fingers out, trying to grasp onto something so as not to be smothered again by the clouds. Sad to say the clouds won out. For now.

I built a sandcastle with the kids yesterday. Everyone looked like they could use a break, so I took them for ice cream and then we made a cool sandcastle. It was a lot of fun. I like playing with kids because they keep it simple. And simple, sometimes, is great.

It was the third day in Hawaii and Mary-Kate was starting to feel like she didn’t ever want to leave. Just as she predicted it would, rain fell on her last day there. Elijah ended up calling the studio telling them he was sick, but he knew they saw right though him since Brittany ended up doing the same thing. They all laughed about it, knowing they could wait until they got back to deal with the consequences.

Even though the rain fell in little wet kisses, the rising sun was fighting to show off it’s explosive colors. There was no thunder and no lightening, so Mary-Kate felt it safe to step out from under her slight protection from the elements. She left her shoes with her laptop and her notebook and rolled up the legs of her pants to her knees. Shoving her hands in the pockets of her hoodie, she walked down to the water line and stood, eyes closed and face to the sky.

She could make this into a new beginning, easily. All she had to do was stop not eating, stop making herself sick, and stop cutting. She thought back to two nights ago when she feared Hannah had heard her in the bathroom. She had never said anything about it, and her mood was slightly changed the next day, so Mary-Kate assumed she had assumed the wrong thing about Hannah.

A jogger was a little ways down the beach, coming her way. She didn’t really care who it was but knew, because of security, it was someone from their large group. He was in all gray, save the bright red ball cap he wore that was pulled down so low that she couldn’t see his face. The cell phone in her pocket rang to life and she jumped, rushing to answer it. “Hello?”

“Where are you?”

It was Hannah. “I’m on the beach.” She turned around to face the hotel and waved. “Can you see me?”

“Hang on.” There was a shuffling and a sliding of doors. Mary-Kate didn’t see Hannah at all, but apparently Hannah could see her. “Oh yeah. Blue hoodie, someone in red just passed you?”

Turning, Mary-Kate saw that the jogger had, indeed passed her. “Red hat, but yeah. Why, what’s up?”

“Nothing, I just worry easy. I went to go see if anyone else was up yet or not and you were missing. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t kidnapped or anything.”

Mary-Kate laughed softly. “No, I just woke up wicked early because I couldn’t sleep and came down here to write.”

“Oh.”

“Hey, Han?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we cool?”

It took a moment for Hannah to respond, making Mary-Kate a little nervous. “Yeah,” Hannah finally said. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

“I don’t know. You seemed a little weird the other night and I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t anything I did.”

Again she hesitated. “Like I told you, I worry easy. We’re cool.”

“Good.”

“Hey, how did Elijah’s blanket get in the living room?”

At this, Mary-Kate giggled. “I stole it from him this morning when I figured out he was the one snoring. He didn’t even wake up!”

“Isn’t he awful?” Hannah exclaimed. “I swear! I threw candy at him this morning and he still didn’t wake up!” She heard the sliding doors again. “Yeah, he must be in the shower now or something cause his bed is empty.”

“It was nice of him to rub my feet last night.”

Hannah snorted. “Doesn’t give him an excuse to keep us up all night, though!”

“No it doesn’t,” Mary-Kate laughed. “Hey, is Ashley up yet?”

“Yeah.”

“How about we all go get some coffee? It’s starting to rain harder and I could so use something hot and sugary right now.”

“Okay. I’ll flush the toilet and hurry Elijah up.”

“Okay, I’ll be right up. Bye.” With a chuckle and a shake of her head, Mary-Kate hung up and put her phone back in her pocket. She turned to take one last long gaze at the horizon before going back to gather her things. When she picked up her laptop and pens, she frowned and looked around. “Where’s my notebook?” She was sure she had left it right there. It was that than she noticed the set of footprints that didn’t belong to her. They came up from the beach at an angel, then led back away. The jogger! She grabbed her phone again and dialed furiously. Hannah picked up and didn’t even get a hello out before Mary-Kate shouted, “someone just stole my journal!”

“What?”

“That jogger? He totally stole my notebook. I left it fight next to my computer and now it’s gone!”

“Why would someone steal a notebook when they could take a computer?”
“I don’t know!”

“Alright, calm down,” Hannah said . “Okay, first off, what makes you think it was the jogger?”

“Because he was the only other person out here and there are footprints leading up here and away that certainly don’t belong to me.”

“What’s going on?” she heard someone ask. Hannah conveyed the story before answering Mary-Kate. “Okay, what did he look like?”

“I didn’t see him,” Mary-Kate groaned. “He was all in gray and had a red hat. That’s all I remember.”

“Okay, relax. We’ll put out a search party or something. Just get up here and we’ll figure out what to do.”

“Okay.” She hung up again and ran a hand through her hair. There was some very personal stuff in there! What if the person who took it read it and leaked it to the press? Her life would be crazier than it already was. She felt close to tears but refused to let them fall. Instead, she screamed and kicked up sand until she was breathless. When she felt a little bit relived of stress, she gathered her pens and computer once more and headed back to the hotel room.

“Dude, I thought you were in the shower.”

“I was,” Elijah said, running a towel over his head.

“Oh.” Hannah was obviously confused. “Then why did the door just close a few minutes ago?"

“Because,” he explained patiently. “We needed more towels so I called for some to be sent up.”

“Oh,” she said again. “Well someone just stole Mary-Kate’s notebook.”

He raised an eyebrow and looked around. “From the hotel?”

“No, she’s out on the beach. She thinks some jogger person took it while she wasn’t looking.”

“Well that’s weird. It had to be someone from our group, then, because there’s no way anyone could get past security.”

Hannah nodded. “Exactly what I was thinking. Time to pull a CSI.”

Ashley, who was already busy calling around, put the phone down and sighed. “Everyone I’ve reached is either still asleep, just woken up, or not there.”

“Well, let’s go get something to eat,” Elijah suggested, walking into his room. “Then we’ll figure out what to do.”

28. I Wanna Be With You

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 23:39:01 GMT

Sorry it's taken so long, guys. I'm pushing myself to finish my novel, and it leaves little time for me to work on fanfics. >_<

Elijah walked along the shore line back in the direction of the party, with his hands in his pockets and his head down. Brittany walked beside him with her bare feet in the damp sand. “It’s really beautiful down here,” she said softly. Elijah looked up and nodded. Tilting her head, Brittany tried to read his expression. “You alright?”

“Yeah, just got some stuff on my mind.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

He smiled slightly, returning his gaze to his steps. “No, not really. Thanks, though.”

“Sure.” She switched hands to hold her sandals, and linked her arm with Elijah’s, offering him a smile. “You don’t seem like yourself, and that worries me.”

“I’m okay, really.” Letting go of a sigh, he looked ahead of them. “Just trying to decide what I want to do about certain things.”

“Like Mary-Kate?”

He chuckled softly. “Yeah, like Mary-Kate.”

“She’s such a peanut! And she’s shorter than you, so you’d make a good match.” Elijah’s smile grew, but only slightly. “I’m serious,” Brittany told him. “I saw you two talking earlier and couldn’t help but think how cute you were together…even if I was a little jealous.”

Elijah looked at her, obviously surprised. “You were jealous?”

“Yeah,” she reluctantly admitted. “Don’t get a big head or anything. The only reason I was jealous was because I know that when you two finally get together, I won’t have you all to myself anymore. It makes me a little sad.”

“You weren’t supposed to get attached,” he reminded her softly.

“I know, but what are you going to do?”

As they neared the party, Elijah saw Hannah walking down the beach as though she had left and was now returning. Something didn’t feel quite right, and the closer Hannah got, the more he felt it. “Will you excuse me for a minute?”

Brittany shrugged. “Sure.”

Leaving Brittany to walk back to the group herself, Elijah walked to meet his sister before she could disappear into the crowds. “Han!” Hannah stopped, looking much like a child who was caught with her hand in the cookie jar. “Are you alright?” Elijah asked.

“Fine, why?”

His brows came together when he stood before her. “You’re paler than usual. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she said dismissively. “I’m just on my way back to the party.”

“Hannah, what is going on?”

Pursing her lips together, she crossed her arms and fell into a stare down with Elijah. Eventually, she growled and looked away. “I think I’m done with the party.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t get much sleep last night, it’s late, I’m getting grouchy and I think I want to go back to the hotel and just watch a movie or something.”

Elijah blinked as if he still didn’t fully believe her. “Alright, then go ahead.”

“No, I want you to come too.”

“Why?”

“Cause, you’ll be leaving soon enough and it would be nice to just chill with you and the girls. Mary-Kate is already back at the hotel.”

Looking briefly back at the party, Elijah was surprised he hadn’t noticed her leaving. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Hannah said, sounding annoyed. “So how about you go back and I’ll find Ashley and we’ll be there soon.”

“Well if you’re so grumpy, I can find…”

“No, it’s fine!” Elijah took a step back, raising his hands defensively. Hannah sighed. “Sorry, I just…let me find Ashley, okay? I wanted to talk to her about something anyway.”

“Okay, well, will you tell Brittany that I’ll find her tomorrow or something?”

“Yeah.” She bit her lip and, on impulse, hugged him tightly. “Go see Mary-Kate, make sure she’s alright.”

Elijah pulled away from Hannah, wrinkling his brow. “Why wouldn’t she be?”

“I don’t know…she left the party early so…just go pick out a movie and Ashley and I will be right up.”

Mary-Kate was already in shorts and a t-shirt and slippers, ready for bed. She sat by the window in the sitting room with a book in her lap, and looked up when Elijah came in. “Hey,” she smiled. “Didn’t expect to see you back so soon.”

“Yeah, Hannah said she wanted to watch a movie with us and she seemed kinda upset so I couldn’t say no.”

Narrowing her eyes, Mary-Kate watched him come and sit across from her on the other couch. “Why was she upset?”

“She didn’t tell you?”

“No, I haven’t talked to her since way earlier today.”

“That’s weird…I thought she was coming back from here when I caught up to her and assumed you two had talked.” All the color drained from Mary-Kate’s face, but Elijah didn’t seem to notice. Instead, he looked at the book in her lap. “What are you reading?”

“Huh? Oh, Watershp Down.”

“I’ve heard of it. That’s the one about the rabbits, right, and how it reflects politics and communism and stuff?”

“Yeah…”

It was now he noticed her mood change. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” she answered weakly. “What are we going to watch?”

“Well, let’s see what’s on the tube.”

Hannah found Ashley in a small group with Hilary Duff and Jesse McCartney in the bunch. She smiled politely as she interrupted the conversation and pulled Ashley away. “Your sister just puked at the hotel,” Hannah said bluntly.

Ashley’s eyes widened. “Is she okay?”

“I…” For the first time, Hannah didn’t know what to say or how to say it. What if she was wrong about what she thought she heard? But something in the pit of her stomach told her she wasn’t wrong at all. “I’m pretty sure she made herself sick…” Sadness crept into the older twins’ eyes and her face fell. “I’m sorry, Ashley. I don’t…I didn’t know what to do so I left. She doesn’t even know I was there.”

“Is she back at the hotel?” Ashley asked, her voice just above a whisper.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“No, not Stepford Wives, that’s a chick flick!”

“Well I don’t want to watch that stupid Terminator movie!”

Elijah balked. “Are you kidding me? You have not lived until you’ve seen T3! I’m telling you!”

“And I’m telling you that I have no interest in it, what-so-ever!” Mary-Kate laughed and snatched the remote from his hands. “Look, how about Shrek? It’s the second one.”

Elijah sighed and pretend to sulk as he sat back in his seat. “Fine, we’ll watch Shrek.” Flashing him a smile, Mary-Kate said thank you and he couldn’t help but smirk. He moved to get up and groaned, grabbing the side of his neck.

“What happened?” Mary-Kate asked.

“I pulled a muscle the other day and I thought it was fine now. Apparently I was wrong.”

“Well, here.” She handed the remote to him and moved to stand behind the couch. Pulling him back into the cushions, she started to massage his shoulders. “My brother pulled his shoulder muscle once when he would toss us girls around…yeah, that doesn’t sound right, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I used to massage his shoulders for him.”

Elijah couldn’t help but close his eyes. “It kills, but it feels good at the same time, if that makes any sense.”

She laughed softly. “It does.”

Hannah and Ashley walked in and Mary-Kate cast them a smile, continuing on in her work on Elijah’s shoulder. “How’s Shrek 2 with you guys?”

“Sounds good to me,” Ashley said, plopping down on the other couch. Hannah mumbled a fine and disappeared into her bedroom.

“She alright?” Elijah asked Ashley. Ashley just nodded, her gaze fixed on the television. Elijah raised an eyebrow. “Are you alright?”

“Fine,” Ashley answered, chuckling slightly. “I hope you’re paying her for that massage.”

“I should be,” he groaned, Mary-Kate’s fingers working deeper into his muscle. “I don’t think I’ll be able to move after, I’ll be jell-o.”

“Sorry,” Mary-Kate said softly. She also wondered about Hannah’s mood, and thought back to what Elijah said about Hannah being there earlier.

“Let’s start this movie then,” Hannah said, coming back into the room with her pajamas on. Grabbing a throw pillow from the couch, she got comfortable on the floor. Mary-Kate stopped her massage and went to sit with her sister. She and Elijah shared a small smile before the movie began, and everyone turned their attention to the television.

27. That's All I've Got to Say

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 19:12:07 GMT

Squee!
Yay! I am off to Hawaii! I actually managed to finish packing just a little bit ago, and I'm off to the airport now. I'm very excited because I haven't been on a vacation for too long. Ashley is coming now too! Seriously, we are going to have too much fun. It’s a good thing we’re staying at the Hilton and know we won’t get kicked out! …right, Paris?

I want to apologize to everyone going. It's going to storm at least once, and I know this because I'm cursed. Thunderstorms follow me wherever I go. And for those I'm rooming with...*chuckles*...I'm a big baby when it comes to storms. So even more apologies to you.

Mary-Kate bounced around like a child in a candy store. Ashley and Holly exchanged a slightly annoyed smiled, only making the hyper twin laugh. "Come on, you guys! We’re going to fricken Hawaii!”

“How many coffees did you have this morning?” Holly asked. They were on a small private jet and were only an hour into their flight. Mary-Kate had been excited before they had boarded the jet, and still held onto her abundance of energy. “Seriously, girl. You need to settle down before you throw the plane out of balance or something.”

She blinked. “Can I actually do that?” Holly and Ashley looked at each other, bursting into laughter. “What?”

“You’re just a goof,” Holly said, smiling. “So I’m pretty sure you two know more than me about what is going on when we get there, and who’s going to be there. I wasn’t able to check my journal or anything this week so I’m pretty in the dark.”

“Ridiculous security,” Mary-Kate told her, looking out the window at the clouds. “Like, super security. No one is getting near where we’re all going to be unless they’re with us, or just really good at getting past 400 pound guards.”

“That makes me feel a little bit better,” Ashley admitted. “To know that we won’t be so vulnerable to the paparazzi and the public.”

Holly furrowed her brow. “What about the hotel? Did we just rent the whole thing out?”

“It’s the Hilton.” Shrugging her shoulders, Holly obviously didn’t understand. With a slight chuckle, Mary-Kate said, "and Paris will be with us.”

“Paris? Oh! Hilton? When did Paris Hilton get involved in this whole thing?”

“About a week ago,” Mary-Kate laughed.

Holly shrugged again. “I told you, I haven’t been able to check my journal for a little while. So who else is going to be there?”

“I think she was going to room with Ashlee Simpson, but I talked her out of that.” Hannah glanced at her brother to make sure he was paying attention. His gaze was out the window of their rented car as they sped from the airport to their meeting place on Oahu. “Let’s see, who else? Well obviously all those people from Lost, um, Reese is coming with Ryan and their kids. Rachel Bilson, Brittany said she might make it…”

“Wait.” Elijah snapped out of his trance and looked at Hannah. “Brit said she’s coming?”

“She wasn’t sure if she was or not.”

“This is going to be a nightmare,” he groaned, pressing his forehead against the cold window. Palm trees passed by in a blur and he closed his eyes. “Remind me again why I decided to do this?”

“So you can see Mary-Kate and maybe relax a little.”

“How will I be able to relax if both Brittany and Mary-Kate are there? What if they…talk?”

Hannah smirked. “Afraid MK is going to find out about you and Brittany?” The look Elijah threw in her direction told her he was. “Just be cool. Use this weekend to talk to her and get to know her better. Just ignore Brittany.”

“If only it were that easy.”

Hannah blinked and glanced at her brother. “You’re not into Brittany too, are you?” When Elijah didn’t answer, her jaw dropped. “Are you serious? Elijah!”

“What?”

“I thought all you two were was casual sex, no feelings involved!”

“Yeah well….”

“You’re such a girl.”

Chewing on her bottom lip, Mary-Kate waited for her bag to be handed to her from the rental car she, Holly, and Ashley took from the airport. Slinging her Balenciaga bag over her shoulder and grabbing the handle of her suitcase, she looked up at the tall Hilton hotel before her. Ashley came to stand beside her, liking her arm with her twin. “You okay?”

Mary-Kate nodded, but her green eyes told a different story. “I feel really nervous,” she confessed softly.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I’m just…I don’t know. My hands are freezing!”

“Mary-Kate!” Looking up, Mary-Kate saw Hannah running down the steps and braced herself for impact. She was practically tackled with a hug and laughed as Hannah rocked her back and forth in a tight embrace. “Yay, you made it!”

Ashley smiled politely and stepped back a little. Holly came up beside her and gave her a small smile. Laughing, Mary-Kate let go of Hannah and said, “Hannah, this is Holly.” Holly smiled and gave a little wave. “And this is Ash. She wasn’t around when you were over the other day.”

“Nice to finally meet you,” Hannah said, shaking her hand. “You too, Holly.” She grinned and looked back down at Mary-Kate, dropping an arm around her shoulders. “We have a little situation.”

“Why does this sound like it’s not going to be good?”

“Well…” She led Mary-Kate up the front steps, Ashley and Holly following. “Apparently things were okay until some pipes burst. They wanted to close the entire hotel down, but Paris wasn’t having it so some of us had to double up on rooms and…”

As they walked inside, Mary-Kate saw Elijah waiting by the front desk. When he saw her, a grin lit his face and he said, “Hey roomie!”

Mary-Kate looked at Hannah, expressionless. Hannah pasted on the biggest smile she could muster and shrugged. “It’s going to be great, really. We’re going to have so much fun, the…five of us?”

“Four,” Holly corrected with a shake of her head. "David and Finley will be down here tonight and we’ve got our own room.” As an afterthought, she added, "or so I hope.” She walked past them and went to the front desk to check on her own room after giving Elijah a brief embrace.

“We have to room with your brother?” Mary-Kate hissed. “How is that going to be comfortable, never mind fun!”

Ashley couldn’t help grinning at her twin’s discomfort. “Come on, MK. You know you secretly love it.”

“We have to get your things upstairs and all settled or whatever because we’re all supposed to be meeting for dinner in…” Hannah checked her watch. “Half an hour.”

The room, as it turned out, was actually a suite and there were three bedrooms. Mary-Kate and Ashley claimed one together, letting Hannah and Elijah each have one. “It amuses me how huggy everyone is,” Ashley said. She sat down on the bed she was going to share with her sister, and Hannah sat down on the other side.

“Why is that funny?” Mary-Kate asked, unpacking the few things she had brought with her.

“Because I think everyone has hugged except you and Elijah.”

She blinked and stopped. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Hannah laughed in agreement. “I noticed that too.”

“You guys are full of it.”

“Hey.” Elijah knocked on the door and peeked his head in. “You girls about ready?” The question was asked to all three of them, but he looked only at Mary-Kate.

“Yeah,” she said softly, feeling a blush raise in her cheeks. She turned so her back was to him, pretending to zip up her suitcase. Hannah and Ashley only grinned.

Dinner, as it turned out, was an impromptu luau on a private beach. There were different colored tapestries hung, translucent enough to let in the light of the setting sun, but also covering enough for shade. Tables laden with every kind of food and drink imaginable stood in the middle of the gathering crowds. People Mary-Kate had only briefly talked to in journals and instant messages became fast friends. Dom, as both Hannah and Elijah had warned her, was certifiably insane. He seemed to have an endless supply of energy, bouncing from on subject to another, introducing them to one person after the next.

She met the cast of “Lost” and was especially happy to meet Maggie Grace. The two of them had been talking for a little while through the community, and Mary-Kate was glad to finally be able to talk to her in person.

One of the things she enjoyed most, much to her surprise, was playing with little baby Deacon, Reese and Ryan’s youngest. He was small and chubby and laughed at all the funny faces she would make at him.

As the party wore on and people were getting a little too drunk for her tastes, Mary-Kate was content to sit back from the group with a sleeping baby in her arms and listening to him breathe. She was humming to the baby when Elijah sat down next to her. At first, neither of them said anything to each other, they just watched everyone.

Finally, Elijah said, “ You’re not much of a party person, are you?”

With a soft smile, Mary-Kate looked down at Deacon. “This is party enough for me tonight.”

Again a silence settled over them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. A slight breeze rustled the orange tapestry they sat under, and Elijah tilted his head back to look at the stars through the overhanging. “I wrote you a latter.”

Mary-Kate blinked. She looked over at him, but her kept his gaze upward. “You did?”

“Yep. But it sucked so I threw it out.”

Feeling bold, she asked, “ What was it about?”

At length he told her, “Nothing that made any sense.” It was then that he turned to meet her eyes. “I’m not a man of poetry, I’m afraid.”

Her cheeks turned red, seemingly pulling all the warmth from her hands. “You were trying to write me a poem?”

“Well, the thing that I was trying to get across was…”

“Hey you two.” Reese appeared from nowhere, looking positively exhausted. “We’re heading back to the hotel so I came to see if I could steal my baby back.”

“Of course!” Mary-Kate laughed. She was careful as she handed him over. “I promised Ava we would build a sand castle tomorrow and if you want I could take Deacon too so you and Ryan could have some time alone.”

Reese blinked, obviously surprised. “Really? That would be so nice, Mary-Kate! Thank you! It would only be for a couple of hours, I promise!”

“That’s fine,” Mary-Kate laughed. “I love playing with kids, so it’s not a problem at all.”

“Okay, we’ll see you tomorrow then. Bye!”

“Bye,” both Elijah and Mary-Kate said at the same time. Once Reese was gone, Mary-Kate turned back to Elijah and asked, “What were you going to say?”

He seemed to think about it for a little bit before her got up and pulled her to her feet. “Only that you haven’t had very much to eat tonight, if anything at all, and I intend to change that.”

She tried to protest, but Elijah pretended not to hear and fixed her a plate piled high with food. In the end, she had no other choice but to sit there and eat it.

Toward the end of the night, Hannah watched as Mary-Kate left the party and started to make her way back up the beach and toward the hotel. Hannah left the group of people she had been talking with, noting that both Elijah and Ashley were still at the party, and followed Mary-Kate as a safe distance. Once back at the hotel, she waited for Mary-Kate to ride the elevator up before she caught one herself.

She was quiet in opening the door to their suite, and walked on tip-toes to the closed bathroom door inside the twins bedroom. Sitting down, Hannah pressed her ear to the bathroom door, leaning all her weight on her left hand. Mary-Kate had the water running full blast in the sink, but none of that masked the gagging sounds. Hannah’s heart sank.

Cupping her hands under the running water, Mary-Kate drank deeply, then spit it back out into the sink. As she turned the water off, she met her own green eyes in the mirror and solemnly wiped her tears away. Her head jerked up as she thought she heard someone come in. She opened the door and stepped out into the suite. “Hello?” No one answered and she realized there was no one else there but her own demons.

Hannah stood out in the hall, staring down at the impression the carpet had left on her hand when she had leaned so hard against the bathroom door. She didn’t know what to do to make herself stop shaking. After a few deep breathes, she left the hotel and went back to the party.

26. I Will Be There

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 20:08:25 GMT

Mary-Kate pulled up outside her favorite spot in mid-town, L.A. Starbucks. She wore a baggy sweatshirt, a bucket hat, and huge aviator sunglasses, and tried to stay unnoticed behind the wheel of her father’s old Mazda. She was a little early so she wasn’t expecting to see Hannah there already. The same girl she had met that day in New York was sitting on the hood of, what she assumed was, her own car, sipping an iced coffee, and watching traffic. The only difference was the icy blue color of her hair. With a smile, Mary-Kate rolled her window down and poked her head out. “Hannah?”

Hannah turned to look for the person who called her name. When she saw Mary-Kate, she grinned. “Is that the girl who lied to me and said her name was Michelle?”

“Maybe,” she laughed. “Want to follow me back to my place?”

“My word, woman, it’s only our first date and already you want me to go back to your place with you?” Hannah hopped off of her car with a smirk. “Alright. Lead the way, Captain.”

It wasn’t too long of a drive, and once Mary-Kate parked her father’s car in the garage, Hannah pulled in beside her. “Nice digs,” she commented, getting out. She opened her trunk and pulled out a yellow backpack. “I brought the goods.”

“Excellent.”

“Hey, nice picture of you on the cover of Star by the way.”

Mary-Kate gave her a puzzled look as they went inside. “What now?”

“You’re holding a beer and sitting with Paris Hilton or something. You’re a lush, huh? I never would have thought it.”

She shrugged, annoyed. “Ashley and I were at a club with Paris, Nikky, and Nicole last night, Paris knocked the bottle over, and I caught it before it could spill all over us.”

“Sure,” Hannah said, narrowing her eyes. “That’s what they all say.” Both of them were laughing as they opened the front door. “So how’s the wrist?”

“It’s alright.” Pulling sleeve of her sweatshirt down, Mary-Kate tried to brush it off. “Nothing too big, obviously.”

“Nothing too big?” They went into the living room to sit down and talk. Hannah frowned. “It must have been pretty big if you had to go the to hospital for it. You had my brother worried sick.”

“Really? I mean, I didn’t mean to worry anyone. It was an accident…” She didn’t even have to look at Hannah to know that she was being watched with a critical eye.

“What’s the deal with you two, anyway?”

She looked up. “Me and who? Elijah? Nothing, we’re just friends.”

“Oh.” Smiling a little, Hannah tilted her head. “Well, I’ll tell you one thing. He’s never cared as much about Dom, or Sean, or Billy, the way he cares for you. Must be some kind of friendship.” A blush stained her cheeks and Mary-Kate grinned, despite herself. “Uh-huh. See! Friends, my ass.”

For some reason, the two of them immediately fell into a deep friendship, both of them feeling as though they had known each other for years. For a few hours they lazed around the house, even going out back to sit by the pool and talk about the things they were going to do in Hawaii.

“So we’re going to share a room then , yeah?” They were in the spacious kitchen and Mary-Kate sat on one of the stools from the breakfast bar with a towel around her neck. Hannah was behind her, putting rubber gloves on.

Mary-Kate nodded to Hannah’s question. “Yeah, I think that would be cool. Did Elijah figure out if he could come or not?”

“Yep,” Hannah answered, mixing a dark blue dye with white cream in a plastic bowl with a paintbrush looking thing. “He said he should be able to come down for at least two days, maybe three. Three might be pushing it, but he said two for sure.”

“Yay,” Mary-Kate said softly.

“Head back please.” Mary-Kate did as her was told and Hannah applied Vaseline to her forehead and around her ears. “I’m warning you now, it may get crazy down there. Where two or more hobbits are gathered…all bets are off.”

“I welcome it,” admitted Mary-Kate. “It will be a nice change from everything going on around here.” She wrinkled her nose, smelling the dye for the first time. The brush went through sections of her hair with slow, even strokes.

It was quiet for a few minutes as Hannah worked. When she finished dyeing chunks of Mary-Kate’s hair blue, she carefully took her gloves off, draped them in the sink, then sat down across from her. “Now we wait about twenty minutes,” she explained. Mary-Kate nodded and Hannah bit her lip. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What made you do it?”

She didn’t even have to ask what Hannah was asking about. She just knew. “I don’t know, really. I don’t even know when it started. And when it became public knowledge, everything got sort of blurry and distorted for me. Everything went by in a haze.” She narrowed her eyes in thought. “The one thing I do remember is the day they took me to the center. It was raining out and Ashley wouldn’t come with me in the van. I was so angry at her then…” She hadn’t even told her twin this before. “She told me it would be easier for her to let me leave her, then for her to leave me. I know I hugged her and cried…it was the hardest I remembered crying in a long time, but I was screaming at her in my head. I was thinking that she should do it for me and stop thinking of herself. And as we drove away, me, my mom and my brother, she and Lizzie stood out in the rain and watched us go. I tried to keep her in sight as long as I could, but the rain made everything so blurry…”

Hannah looked down at her hands. “I’m really sorry you had to go though that, MK.”

“It’s alright,” she whispered. “Everything happens for a reason. I like to think so, anyway.” Things had turned serious too fast and she felt a little uncomfortable. Not with the conversation or with Hannah, but with herself. “Maybe I went through everything so I could meet Elijah.”

“Wow. Way more trouble than he’s worth.” They shared a smile and Hannah tilted her head. “Maybe you were there to meet Elijah, and then become buds with me.”

“Maybe,” Mary-Kate laughed.

“I might corrupt you if you hang out with me for too long, though.”

“I’ll take my chances. Because if I stop being friends with you now, what happens if I end up marrying your brother?”

“I thought you were just friends?” Hannah raised an eyebrow and Mary-Kate turned red. “Don’t try and lie to me, chicky. I’m a pro at lying so I know when other people do it to me!”

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Mary-kate laughed stubbornly. “I don’t like Elijah that way. In fact, I really don’t know if I want him for a friend if you’re part of a package deal, or something.”

Lizze walked into the kitchen and stopped n her tracks upon seeing Mary-Kate. “Dude…you have shmeg in your hair.”

Hannah howled with laughter and Mary-Kate’s jaw dropped. “Lizzie!”

“What?” she shrugged with a grin. “Seriously, what are you doing?”

“Hannah’s putting blue in my hair. Hannah, this is my little sister Lizzie. Lizzie, this is Hannah.”

They shook hands and Lizzie nodded. “You’re Elijah’s sister?”

“When I feel like it.”

“That sounds like something I would say,” Lizzie laughed. “Anyway, I’m outtie for awhile. It was nice to meet you, Hannah. Good luck with your weird blue hair, MK.”

“Bye,” Mary-Kate laughed as her little sister left. “I can’t believe she said that.”

“How old is she?”

“Fifteen.”

“That’s awesome.” Hannah shook her hand and chuckled. “She sounds like me at her age.”

“Oh, that’s promising.”

When time was up, Hannah led Mary-Kate to the bathroom and made her bend over the side of the tub to rinse her hair out. When the warm water finally ran clean instead of blue, Mary-Kate dried her hair and brushed it out. When she looked in the mirror, she gasped. “Oh my gosh!” Thick blue chunks of blue hair stood out amidst her normal strawberry colored hair. “It looks so awesome!” She turned and hugged Hannah. “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome,” she laughed. "I’m glad you like it. “We almost match now!”

“Yeah, we almost do. How fun is that?”

Later that evening, after they had watched a movie and had gone out for dinner, they sat outside in the night air to talk. “I had so much fun today,” Hannah smiled. “Really, you’re not the person I thought you were.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“Totally. And I just want you to know, Mary-Kate, that my brother really does dig you. He may not show it in a usual kind of way, but he’s an idiot so you can’t expect much.” Mary-Kate looked at the ground and laughed softly. “And,” Hannah continued, “if you ever need anything, like to talk, or bitch and moan, or a touch up on your hair, just give me a call or something.”

“Thanks, Hannah. That really means a lot to me.”

“No problem.” With a sigh, she glanced at her watch. “Alright, girlie. Give me hug so I can get going.” They embraced tightly and Hannah was struck by how small Mary-Kate really was. “I’ll give you a ring tomorrow and we’ll finalize plans for Friday and everything, okay?”

Mary-Kate pulled away and brushed her hair behind her ears. “Sound good.”

“Alright then. Adios, my blue haired friend.”

“Bye,” Mary-Kate laughed. She watched as Hannah drove away, then went inside to settle down for the night. When Ashley came home later, she gaped at the new hair color, but told her how awesome it looked. “I wish you were coming with,” Mary-Kate whined, wrapping her arms around Ashley. “I feel like we don’t do anything together anymore.”

Ashley bit her lip and returned the embrace, kissing her sister’s cheek. “I know.” Nothing was said as they held each other for a moment. When Ashley finally broke the silence, she said. “Okay.”

Mary-Kate pulled away and nodded. “Okay. I’m going to bed.”

“No, I mean okay. I’ll go.”

Her eyes widened and Mary-Kate glowed. “Seriously?” Ashley nodded and Mary-Kate almost tackled her with a fierce embrace again. “Oh, Ash, I’m so glad! Now you’ll get to meet Hannah and Elijah, and so many other cool people. I’m so excited!” Ashley laughed. “I love you, Shashley.”

Her smile grew slightly. Mary-Kate hadn’t called her that in a long time. “I love you too, Katie Bug.” They pulled away from each other and Ashley sighed. “Okay, now you can go to bed.”

“Thanks. You won’t regret coming, I swear. Then you can meet all these people I keep talking about.”

“Uh huh.”

“And then you can see that it’s real and get a journal too.”

“Now you’re just pushing your luck.”

Manips

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 22:28:03 GMT

I put these in my personal journal but half the people who read this haven't seen there so I thought I'd post them here too.

</a>

25. AM to PM

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 21:38:31 GMT

Sorry, it's short...I seem to be going back and forth with length with each entry. >_< Oh and to answer a question that will pop up from this, I'm sure...Yes, everyone in the world has a journal. :D

“Mary-Kate, will you hurry up!”

She ran from the bathroom with nothing but a towel on, dashing into her room and closing the door behind her. Clumps of wet hair stuck to her face as she tore through her closet. “I can’t believe you’re not even dressed yet,” Ashley chastised from out in the hall. “It’s already half past seven!”

“Alright, already!” Mary-Kate yelled back, tossing a t-shirt and worn baggy jeans over her shoulder and onto her bed. “Give me ten minutes and I’ll be ready, I swear!”

“That’s what you said an hour ago!”

“Will you just shut up!” she yelled, laughing. “Just go away and let me get dressed. I promise, I’ll be down in ten minutes.”

“I’m timing you!”

Still laughing slightly, Mary-Kate pulled on the jeans that were too big for her. Glancing around for a belt, she then put on the green shirt that had, “I just look like her” written across it in yellow letters. She spotted a rainbow 80’s style belt and raced to shove it through the belt loops in her jeans, then fasten it. Grabbing some socks, she tossed her wet towel over the back of her desk chair and ran downstairs.

Ashley sat in the living room, waiting. When she saw her twin, she made a face. “What bums we look like.” She too had on baggy jeans and an old sweatshirt she had stolen from Trent awhile ago. “Your hair is still wet.”

With a shrug, Mary-Kate slipped into her tennis shoes and tied them. “It hasn’t been brushed either, but who cares?”

“Not me.”

“Me either,” she grinned. “Ready?”

“Yeah.”

Yep, I've decided to put some blue in my hair. Since the first time I changed my color, I addicted to dyeing it. And blue has always been one of my favorite colors anyway.

So I woke up this morning and realized I have little time before Ash and I move to NY for school. I might start freaking out soon. I've never been good with change that I don't have complete control over, and this is a huge change. But it's not time to stress yet, I know. I'm going to Hawaii with Holly and a bunch of people Friday. I'm not sure if who all is going to be down there, but it’s going to be a good time for sure.

Anyway, soo excited that I'm going to have blue hair tomorrow! *whispers to Hannah* I think Elijah is afraid of us becoming friends. We’re going to room together down there still, yeah?

Alright, I need to go take a shower and get ready before Ashley comes up and kills me. We’re going out tonight with Paris and Nikky so I gotta go get ready.

Ashley looked over at her sister from the drivers side of her Range Rover. “What’s got you so quiet over there?”

Mary-Kate blinked and pulled from her thoughts. Shrugging, she looked down at her lap and played with the zipper on her purse. “I was thinking about Friday and how I’m hoping that Elijah can go.”

“Hannah’s going to be here tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, she left a message in my last journal entry saying she was going to go see her Mom first, and then she’d meet me somewhere so we could come back and do my hair.”

Ashley laughed, shaking her head slightly. “Blue hair…you’re nuts. And I can’t believe you talked her into getting a journal too!”

“It’s only temporary color, and she was all for the idea of a journal. You’re the one I have to talk into getting one.”

“Yeah…keep trying.”

“Ash, you’re no fun anymore.”

Ashley gaped, though kept her eyes on the road. “How can you say that?”

“I don’t know…” Mary-Kate fell silent again and returned her gaze to the outside world. She didn’t say anything more until they pulled up outside the back entrance of a club in LA. Before she could even open her door, someone pressed themselves up against her window. When she saw them, she screamed. Slowly realizing who it was, she chuckled and rolled her window down. “Do you have an appointment?”

Nikky Hilton grinned and flipped her dark hair over her shoulder. “I don’t need an appointment. Come an and get your asses inside before the paparazzi spots us.” As soon as Mary-Kate shut her door, Nikky grabbed both her and Ashley and pulled them inside.

A fast techno version of “Pieces of Me” was resonating all around the club. Lights of different colors danced and bounced off the walls as groups of people worked themselves into sweats on the dance floor. Nikky led them to a secluded part of the club where Paris was already seated with a few people Mary-Kate didn’t know. “Hey there, sexies.” Paris handed her small dog, Tinkerbell, over to one of her friends and got up to give both of the girls air kisses on the cheek. “You’re late.”

“Traffic was a nightmare,” Ashley told her, yelling over the music.

“Where’s Nichole?” Mary-Kate asked.

With a smirk, Paris pointed out into the crowd of dancers. “Sexing it up with some random bouncer.” Sure enough, Nichole Ritchie was at the edge of the crowd, moving in rhythm and closeness with a blonde guy with big muscles. “She’s so gross.” With a fluttering laugh, Paris took her dog back and sat back down.

“I have to pee,” Nichole announced as they were all getting ready to leave. She laughed at her own comment and leaned over Mary-Kate to grasp Ashley’s arm. “Don’t you have to pee?” Ashley smiled and shook her head “no”. “Are you sure? Cause I really have to pee and I though someone else might have to.”

“I’m good,” Ashley told her. “But I can walk with you if you want.” Knowing Nichole was a little on the tipsy side, Ashley helped her out of her seat and led her away to where the bathrooms were.

“Are you okay, MK?” Blinking, Mary-Kate looked over as Paris slid into Ashley’s vacated seat. “You don’t look like you’re having much fun.”

“I’m fine,” she responded with an exaggerated smile. “Just getting a little tired I guess.”

“Hey, I wanted to thank you for the nice comments you’ve been leaving in my journal. You’re a sweetheart.”

This made a real smile grace Mary-Kate’s lip and she looked at her lap, shrugging. “Well, you’re a pretty cool person and not at all what I was expecting. It was the least I could do.”

“Holy shit, Hawaii is Friday!” Paris suddenly exclaimed. “We are going to have so much fun!” In her excitement, Tinkerbell jumped from her lap and onto the table. As Paris went to reach for her, she accidentally knocked a beer bottle someone had left and Mary-Kate moved quick to catch it before it fell over and spilled. When Paris had her dog again, she grinned. “Nice catch.”

24. All I Need to Know

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 21:36:19 GMT

This is a long one!

“You should have gone to see her.” Elijah blinked, pulling himself out of his daze. Hannah sat next to him, flipping thought a magazine. It had been an hour since their plane had left and they were on their way back to New York. “Did you hear me?”

“That I should have gone to see her?” He ran a hand over his face and she nodded, “Yeah, I heard you.” Pursing his lips together, he shook his head and looked out the small window. “No, it’s probably best that I didn’t.” Clouds passed by so slowly it looked as though they were hardly moving at all. “If she wanted to see me she would have said so.”

“Lij, while I understand your experience with girls is limited, you should know that we don’t always say what we really want to say.”

“Well why the hell not?” He leaned back in his seat and scratched his forehead. “Sorry…I’ve got a headache.”

Hannah shrugged, unaffected. “Whatever…”

“I mean, wouldn’t it just be easier to come right out and say what’s really going on, rather than lie about it or make up excuses?”

“Sure it would,” she agreed. “But it’s not how we think. We want you to know without us having to say it.”

“So you think she really wanted me to go see her?” She shrugged again and went back to her magazine. “You’re not helping. Now I’m rethinking our entire conversation.”

“Yeah, welcome to our world.”

In the morning he had to drag himself out of bed and force coffee down his throat. He tossed and turned all night. At one point he even got up to see if Mary-Kate was online or had written anything in her journal. He had been disappointed to find nothing from her and stalked back to bed, only to lie awake and stare at the ceiling. “She really is tiny,” Hannah had commented, running across a picture of Mary-Kate in her magazine. “I don’t know, Lij. Do people ever really get over stuff like an eating disorder?”

“I don’t know. Why would they let her graduate if she wasn’t doing better?”

His mind wandered back to the tabloid he had seen the day he had gone to Cedar Point. A picture of Mary-Kate leaving a hospital, mostly covered by people and jackets, was on the cover. A section of the picture had been blown up and circled showing a bandaged wrist. The text next to it read, “Is Mary-Kate a Cutter? Inside the despairing indications of her self injury and her sister’s plea for her life.”

He didn’t believe any of it. There had been too many false stories run on him to know better. She had explained what had happened and there was no reason not to believe her. Stumbling onto set in the morning, his thoughts still remained on his last conversation with Mary-Kate. She had seemed alright, but then you can never really tell much by talking to someone over the computer.

“Wow, you look like hell regurgitated you.” Elijah looked up to see Brittany. “Rough night?” He nodded and walked past her to figure out where he was supposed to be for the day. “Oh hey, I’m glad your girlfriend’s doing better.” Elijah stopped in his tracks. Turning slowly, he feigned confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

Brittany blinked innocently. “Mary-Kate. I’m glad she’s better.”

His brows came together. “Mary-Kate is not my…wait…how do you know about her in the first place?”

A sly smile spread on her lips and she took a few steps closer to him. “Remember that whole journal community thing you told me about awhile back?” His stomach dropped. “Yeah, I checked it out and joined a couple nights ago. It’s pretty interesting, all the different people on there. Did you know I talked to your friend Orlando the other night?”

“Brittany, you can’t…”

“Relax,” she said silkily. “No one will know about our little adventures together.” Scrunching up her nose, she mussed his hair. “You’re so cute when you’re worried about getting caught. You should go get dressed and into makeup though. We’re behind schedule and probably going to be putting in a long day today.” Without another word, she winked and left him to stare after her, speechless.

Hannah had her music up so loud that she barely had time to hear the phone ring before the answering machine kicked in. “Hi, you’ve reached 555...” Lunging over the couch, she grabbed the cordless phone and turned it on. “Hi! Hello? Hang on a sec!” Pushing the flashing red button on the receiver, she turned the answering machine off. “Hi, sorry about that.” Now she moved to turn down her music.

There was silence for a moment before a hesitant voice asked, “Is Elijah there?”

Hannah sighed and looked at the caller ID. It read private name, private number. “May I ask who you’re trying to reach and who this is? I’m not sure I even know an Elijah.”

“Oh.” The girl on the phone sounded surprised. “Well it’s possible and very likely that I wrote down the wrong number. Or maybe I dialed wrong. I’m sorry…you don’t know an Elijah?”

“Nope, sorry.” Too many chances that it could be a reporter and that was the last thing she wanted.

“Oh, alright. Well…sorry again. Bye.”

She hung up and Hannah did the same, then went to turn her music back up. It only lasted for a few minutes before the phone rang again. The same thing came up on the caller ID as before. She picked it up with a slight smirk. “Yeah?”

“I dialed the same number, didn’t I?”

At this, Hannah couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah. Who’s this Elijah guy you’re trying to find?”

“Ah…” The girl hesitated with a chuckle. “I don’t think you’d believe me if I told you. I’m really sorry to keep bugging you. I must have written his number down wrong when he gave it to…”

“Try me,” Hannah interrupted. “Maybe the name would sound familiar if I had a last name to go with it.”

“Well…”

“Wait, did you say he gave the number to you?”

“Yeah, well he didn’t exactly give it to me. It was through an IM and I wasn’t in the best of moods then so I’m sure I wrote it wrong.”

“Hang on a sec.” Dashing to the computer, Hannah expertly pulled up her brother’s journal, having peeked at it from time to time. “Does the name…third stanza…have any meaning for you?”

There was a soft gasp on the other end before the girl ventured, “Who is this?”

“Who is this?” Hannah countered. “Are you in that weird journaling thing?”

“I…I think I have to go now.”

“Wait!” Cringing, she waited for a click but didn’t get one. “Hello? Are you still there?”

“…yes.”

“Okay, you don’t have to tell me who you are, but seriously…do you know what third stanza is?”

“Yeah…it’s a community of…people…and journals. I can’t tell you anymore than that.”

Hannah was getting exasperated and let it be known with a loud sigh. “Listen, I just want to know if you’re a freaking reporter or not.”

Silence again, then laughter that started out soft, only to grow slightly louder. “No…no, I’m not a reporter. And something tells me you know which Elijah I’m looking for. “

“Maybe,” Hannah retorted stubbornly. “Alright, so how can we decided whether or not to trust each other with any information we might give?”

“This is Mary-Kate…is that good enough?”

Hannah blinked, twisting a strand of her short hair around her finger. “Uh…Mary-Kate who?”

“Olsen,” she laughed. “And I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is Hannah? I was supposed to meet you guys at Cedar Point but I didn’t because…well…I had a slight accident.”

“Okay, one more test…to prove you’re really who you say you are. What was the title of the last entry of this Elijah. I know only members can see it so don’t even try to lie.”

A sigh was her fist answer. “Hang on, I have to pull it up. Are you serious?”

“Dead serious.”

“Okay…” Hannah waited, hearing the soft click of a computer keyboard. “Right, he titled it, “Cedar Point” and wrote about how there was some weird security guy at Snoopy Land and he wasn’t sure if it was even really a man…um…”

With a laugh, Hannah nodded. “Yeah…that’s right. So I’m really talking to Mary-Kate Olsen?”

“Yeah,” Mary-Kate answered with a laugh of her own. “You have been for the last ten minutes it seems.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dragging his feet, Elijah stumbled out to his car, fighting to keep his eyes open. As he reached for the door to open it, Brittany was suddenly between him and his car. “You shouldn’t drive, sailor. You look half dead.”

“I’m exhausted, but I’ll be alright.”

“Let me drive you home, okay? Then I won’t worry if you made it back alive or not. Besides, if worse comes to worse I can just spent the night.”

“My sister is home.”

“Elijah, I never said I was going to have sex with you if I spent the night.” The grin she wore was slowly replaced with genuine concern. “I’m serious, now. I don’t think you should be driving if you can barely keep your eyes open in a simple conversation.” Pushing him back slightly, she opened the drivers side door and climbed in. “Go on, get in.”

He studied her for a moment before relenting and getting in on the other side. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know,” she replied, starting the car and pulling out of the lot. “But you’re my friend and I care about you. I want to make sure you get home okay. Is that alright with you?”

For the first time that day, Elijah smiled a real smile. “Yeah…that’s alright with me.” He sat back in his seat and closed his eyes, arriving home only moments later, or so it felt. “We’re here already?”

“Yup.” They rode the elevator to the top floor and heard Hannah’s laughter drifting into the hall as soon as they were in it. Elijah opened the door and found her upside down on the couch, trying to gather her hair into a high ponytail while cradling the phone between her head and her shoulder. She gave a short wave to them when they came in.

“Yeah, that sounds awesome. I am way too excited now!”

“Wow, you two look a lot alike,” Brittany mused, taking her coat off. Elijah took it from her and hung it up, glancing at his sister.

“Tell her that she she’s likely to kill you.”

“Yeah,” Hannah said to the phone. “Can you hang on a sec?” After getting a short answer, she covered the mouth piece with her hand and sat up. “I have someone here who wants to talk to you but if you want to wait until you’ve actually had a chance to relax a bit, I can tell her to call back.”

At this point, it didn’t really matter to him who it was. He was too tired to talk to anyone, let alone who he thought was probably their mother. “Yeah, tell her to call back tomorrow. I’m really just wanting to crash right now.”

“Okay,” Hannah shrugged. Turning back to the phone, she collapsed back onto the couch. “Okay, I’m back.”

Brittany eyed Elijah. “Do you want me to make you some tea or something?”

“No, I’m alright.” He turned to look at her, a slight smile on his lips. “Thanks for driving me home, Brit. You didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did.”

“Anytime,” she smiled in return.

“Okay,” Hannah was saying. “So then how about we plan on getting together on Wednesday. What color do you want?”

This made Elijah look at his sister with confusion. “Are you dyeing Mom’s hair?”

Hannah snorted, not even bothering to look at him. “I never said it was Mom.”

“Well who is it?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she shrugged. “You said you were too tired to talk.”

“Well maybe I changed my mind.” Brittany watched the two with a grin, laughing when Elijah took the phone from Hannah without a word of warning. “Hello?”

“Hi.”

It took him only a moment to recognize that voice. With confusion, he glanced at Hannah. “Mary-Kate?” Hannah grinned triumphantly and went to go sit with Brittany and talk with her. “H…how are you?” he stammered.

“I’m good,” Mary-Kate said, laughter in her tone. “How are you? Exhausted I heard.”

“Yeah, it was a long day.” The two girls watched with knowing smiles as he took the phone to his bedroom. “I’m glad you called. I was thinking about you earlier and was going to try and see if you were online later.”

“Well I read your mind and thought I’d save you the trouble.”

“Thanks.” He sat down on his bed and rubbed his eyes. “The way you and Han were talking on the phone, I’d say you two were old friends.”

“Turns out we are,” Mary-Kate giggled. “I’ll let her explain that one to you later.”

“Okay…so really, how are you?”

“Really, I’m good. I’m feeling a lot better.”

“Even though you told me not to, I was tempted to come by and see you anyway.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” she said softly. “I was sort of a mess.”

“That’s okay.”

“Not for me it isn’t…but it’s good to know you’re okay with it.”

“How’s your boyfriend?” Elijah bit his tongue so hard he almost groaned. What in the world possessed him to ask that? He expected her to sigh but was surprised with quiet laughter.

“He’s non existent, actually.”

“Really?” He tried not to sound too surprised or eager.

“Yeah…but I don’t really want to talk about him. What I want to talk to you about is an offer that was made to me today and something I thought I would extend to you as well.”

“Uh oh…should I be scared?”

“If you’re smart,” she laughed. “No…um, Holly called me this morning and is trying to set up a trip for a bunch of us to go to Hawaii and meet up at the end of next week.”

“Hawaii, huh? Us? Who’s us?”

“From the community. Some of us have become pretty good friends but have never even met each other so she came up with this idea. I thought, if you can get away, you might like to come. Hannah’s coming.”

He blinked. “Hannah’s coming? Why? She’s not part of the community.”

“She’s going to join tonight, and she said Dominic is down here filming for “Lost” anyway.”

Leaning back against his headboard, he ran a hand over his face. “I’m not so sure I like the idea of you two being friends.”

“Too late.” He could tell by her tone of voice that she was grinning. “She’s flying out here to hang out with me on Tuesday and she’s going to put blue streaks in my hair…it’s my favorite color.”

“Mine too,” he replied softly, then frowned. “No, that’s beside the point. Look, she’s already corrupting you! Blue hair, that’s not right.”

Mary-Kate laughed. “I hate to tell you this, but you don’t really have a say in the matter.”

“I can see that.”

“So do you think you can come? We’re all planning to meet down there Friday night.”

“Let me check the shooting schedule and I’ll get back to you. My role isn’t that huge in this film, so I might be able to get a day or two off.”

“I hope you can.”

“Me too…it would be good to see you.” He coughed. “And everyone else.”

“Yeah,” she laughed. “Alright, I have to go. Hannah has my number so if you need to call or whatever…”

“She’s already got your number! This is wrong on so many levels.”

“I’ll talk to you later, Elijah.”

He relented with a sigh. “Alright. Talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

He hung up and walked out to the living room, slowly. “So what, are you two best friends now?”

Hannah laughed and snorted. “Yep, isn’t it great?”

“No, it is not great!”

“We actually met a little while ago downtown and neither of us knew who the other was. She was using a payphone and I gave her extra money for more minutes…then she stood there and listened while I swore at you over the phone and beat the stupid thing up.”

He balked. “Wait…what?’

“I know!” She and Brittany grinned at each other. “Small world, isn’t is?”

“It really is,” Brittany confirmed. “Looks like you’ll get your chance with this girl after all.”

“Not if Hannah gets to her first!”

Hannah jumped up and wrapped her arms around Elijah, trying to kiss his cheek as he tried to squirm away. “I won’t steal her from you, Lij, I promise.”

“No, you’ll just turn her into a clone of you.”

“And would that be such a bad thing?” Brittany chimed in.

“It’s official,” Elijah groaned, breaking free of Hannah’s arms. “The world is against me. I’m going to bed.”

“That must have been some phone conversation to wear you out like that,” Brittany laughed.

Nearly exploding with her own laughter, Hannah pointed at him as he walked away. “Look at how red his face is!”

With one final look at them before he closed his doors, he pursed his lips together and growled, “Goodnight!”

23. Cowboy, take me away

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 18:12:36 GMT

The sun gave of a false sense of warmth and happiness as Mary-Kate rolled over to look out the glass doors to her private terrace. It had been her first night home since the hospital and she wanted to stay in bed forever. It took three bodyguards, her father and her brother, plus Holly and Ashley to get her our of her room and into the car to go home without anyone really seeing her face or what damage might have been done to her. She didn’t want to ever leave her house again, but she knew that sooner or later, she wouldn’t have a choice.

The clock on the wall read almost noon but she didn’t care. Going downstairs would mean concerned looks from her father and Trent who had refused to go home last night. She wasn’t ready for them, and she wasn’t prepared to face Lizzie either. Just the thought of talking to her little sister made her stomach lurch.

Lizzie had been the one to find her on the bathroom floor, almost passing out from the loss of blood. She hadn’t meant to cut so deep…and that shrill scream was still with her in her nightmares. Lizzie hadn’t even come to the hospital to see her. Not that she could blame her.

It was almost a numbness in her chest now. She looked at the ceiling and absently ran a finger over her hip bone. She felt like she was supposed to cry but there were no tears left. Holly came to mind. Mary-Kate expected a lecture from her newly adopted big sister, but it never came. Neither of her parents said anything either. What could they say? Her story was a stretch but they seemed to believe it…or want to believe it. People used razors all the time to get out splinters. Reciting her story to herself, even Mary-Kate didn’t believe it herself.

With a lazy sigh, she pulled herself out of bed and swung her feet to the floor, sliding into her slippers. Her robe lay in a heap and she picked it up, wrapping it around herself. For a brief moment she thought of going downstairs, then thought better of it and plopped in front of the computer. In her email she found at least a dozen cards from friends she had made though her journal. She smiled sadly, reading them over, feeling guilty for some reason. There was nothing from Elijah…She decided to update everyone and let them know what was going on.

She’s Alive!

Okay, considering what happened, I suppose the title of this entry really isn't funny. But if you can't laugh about it, what can you do, right? *sighs* Anyway, here I am. Sorry to worry everyone. I got a really really bad splinter in my arm and I was stupid and freaked out and tried to get it out with the first thing I could find. Tip to anyone with splinters, don’t use razor blades! Anyway, I'll never do that again. So I'm here, at home now so all is well.

I wanted to thank everyone who sent me cards, flowers, and messages, which is a list too long to type right now. Holly, you are just too much to ask for. I have to tell you all, she didn’t leave me for more than a few minutes since I got here. And those were reluctant minutes at that. She's just awesome. *hugs tightly* I would have been lost without you, Holly!

So I'm pretty bummed that I didn't get to go with Elijah and Hannah to Cedar Point and bored out of my mind. *cries* If anyone is in the area, I wouldn't mind visitors. Hint hint hint.

She sat and sighed. It was time to face everyone and, no matter how much she wanted to, she knew she couldn’t put if off for very much longer. Getting up, she opened her door and stepped out into the hallway. Just that simple action made her heart beast faster and a strange panic rise in her throat. She hadn’t even closed her bedroom door behind her before she wanted to turn back around to run and hide under her covers. Lizzie came out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in her mouth. She peeked over the railing, then froze when she saw Mary-Kate. The two simply looked at each other for a long, painfully silent time. Eventually, Mary-Kate managed a weak, “Hi.”

“Hi,” Lizzie replied with a mouth full of foam. She held up a finger, went into the bathroom to spit and rinse, then came back out, wiping her mouth on her sleeve. “How are you?”

“I’m okay.” It hurt her to have a simple conversation like this, as though they were mere acquaintances instead of sisters. She sucked in a short, painful breath and went forward, wrapping her arms around her taller, younger sister. “Lizzie, I’m sorry.” Lizzie returned the forceful embrace but said nothing. “I never meant for you to see that. I never meant for…”

“Just don’t let it happen again.” Mary-Kate blinked and pulled away, surprised at the parental tone in Lizzie’s voice. “I’m serious, Mary-Kate.” All she could do was bite her lip and nod, looking at the floor. “You have no idea how scared I was. I don’t ever want to see anything like that again. Ever.”

“Okay,” Mary-Kate whispered, trying to stop the quivering of her bottom lip. Still avoiding Lizzie’s gaze, she turned around. “I need to get dressed and then I’ll be down. Will you let everyone know, please?”

Lizzie nodded solemnly. “Okay.”

Closing her door behind her, Mary-Kate leaned back against it and covered her moth with her hand, trying to suppress her tears. She took a few deep breaths and closed her eyes, determined not to lose control. When she felt at least a little calmer, she opened her eyes and noticed the flashing window on her computer monitor. Slowly, she sat back down in front of the computer and clicked the window to receive.

“Mary-Kate?” It was Elijah.

It took her a moment, but she typed in, “I’m here.”

“Hey. Are you okay? I was going to go visit you today but Holly said you were home already. I was worried…” His last sentence was all she needed. Tears coursed down her cheeks and she pulled her knees up, burying her face in her robe. When she didn’t answer for awhile, he sent another message. “Are you there? Mary-Kate, are you alright?”

She sniffled and wiped her face on the coarse sleeve of her robe. “I’m okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make anyone worry.”

“Well, it kinda happens naturally when you’re friends with someone. They’re saying some pretty nasty things about you in the papers.”

“I knew they would.” Shaking her head, she sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “I hope I didn’t screw up your plans.”

“Don’t worry about it. The only thing you screwed up was my choice of company. Dom and Bills came with us. We’re actually here now, waiting in line. I’m using my phone…so can you tell me what happened?”

“I’d really rather not talk about it. I’m sorry. I’m glad you went anyway.”

“It’s cool. I’ll just be thinking and worrying all day now. Like when I’m supposed to be holding on for dear life when I’m upside down on a roller coaster I’ll be thinking about you and not holding on and maybe fall out. But It’s cool. ;-)”

Despite herself, she laughed a little. “You might want to pick up a parachute at the gift shop beforehand, then.”

“Not a half bad idea. Not a half good one either but that’s besides the point. So you’re at home, I had planned on coming out there for two days anyway. Can I come see you?”

“Can I come see you?” she repeated out loud. She looked down at her bandaged wrist and frowned. “I don’t think so,” she replied. “I’m actually going to be really busy packing and getting ready to ship things to New York. But maybe we can meet up sometime in Manhattan?”

“I get the feeling you’re just trying to get rid of me, but I don’t really have time to argue since we’re almost at the front of the line. Anyway, he is my number in case you change your mind. I hope you feel better.”

She smiled. “Thank you, Elijah. Have fun.”

“C-ya!”

“Bye.” He signed off and she sighed. She wasn’t ready to see him. She wasn’t even ready to face her family yet. Looking around her room, she nodded. She really did have to pack and company would just be a distraction. She was going to stay in her room as much as possible, she decided. She could only hope the rest of the family would realize that she needed her time and leave her alone.

22. Your Faith in Me

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 20:03:21 GMT

Ashley sat in a chair in the corner of the sterile hospital room, filing her nails with obvious agitation. Mary-Kate, tucked under a white blanket in her small hospital bed, had her face to the wall, looking in the opposite direction of her twin. When Holly walked in past the guard at the door and saw the two of them, she sighed slightly, then pasted on a smile as Mary-Kate noticed her and looked up. “I got a hold of him finally. Everything is fine.”

“Did you tell him…”

“I didn’t tell him anything,” she interrupted. “Don’t worry.” She looked around the room. “Where did your parents go?”

“I sent them home,” Mary-Kate answered softly. “I feel better with them not being here.”

Holly nodded, then glanced at Ashley. “You okay over there?”

“Fine.”

Mary-Kate returned her gaze to the wall, pulling her covers up close to her chin. Holly brushed the hair from the younger girl’s face and tilted her head. “You two need to talk. I’ll go get some coffee and call home and then I’ll be back. Okay?” She bent to kiss Mary-Kate on the forehead, looking again at Ashley before she left. “You want anything?”

“I’m good, thanks.” Holly nodded and smiled, then left the two alone. Ashley went back to filing her nails, but only momentarily. “I’m pissed,” she growled, finally looking at her twin. “What the hell were you doing?”

“Don’t freak out, Ash.”

“Don’t freak out? Mary-Kate, I have never heard Lizzie scream like that! I have never seen so much blood in my life! What do you not want me to freak out about? I saw the razor!” She got up and pulled Mary-Kate’s right arm from the protection of the covers, revealing her bandages. “Tell me how I can not freak out in a situation like this.” Mary-Kate jerked her arm away, turning her face back to the wall. Ashley’s voice softened, seeing her sister wipe away sudden tears. “What is going on with you?”

“I don’t know,” Mary-Kate answered softly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Ashley.”

Any anger Ashley felt melted away, leaving frustration and guilt. She climbed up onto the bed beside her sister and wrapped her arms around her. “Please talk to me. I’m so scared right now that I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for yelling at you, I just don’t understand.”

“Neither do I,” Mary-Kate admitted through her tears. She turned, burying her face in Ashley’s shoulder. “Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I stop feeling like the world is going to cave in on me at any minute?”

A tear slid down Ashley’s cheek. “I don’t know, babe. I don’t understand why you feel like this. What happened to make you…to make you hurt yourself like that?”

“I didn’t mean to…it was an accident...you have to believe me.”

She wanted to believe her. With her whole heart, she wanted to, but the knot that wouldn’t leave her throat made her feel otherwise. “I thought things were better.”

“So did I.” It took awhile for Mary-Kate to calm down enough so that her breathing was even again. When she pulled away from her sister, she wiped her red eyes with the edge of her blanket. “I thought I was okay too. It’s just…it’s like one thing leads to another and it just gets worse. Tiny, stupid things set me off and it just goes downhill from there.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Fresh tear filled her eyes, but she swiped them away before they could fall. “I don’t want to go back. I won’t survive going back, Ash.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I just know I’ll be better being at home, being with you. It will all be different once we get to New York, I’m sure of it. I can start over there.”

Ashley was quiet when she spoke next. “They’re going to be saying some awful things about you in the papers tomorrow.” Mary-Kate nodded but said nothing. “Do you want me to give a statement?”

“No…I’ll deal with it later.”

Smiling a little, Ashley leaned forward so she could meet her sister’s eyes. “Do you have any idea how strong you are, Mary-Kate?” The younger twin drew her brows together, and Ashley nodded. “I’m serious! I have had to lean on you so many times and without your strength and your faith in me I don’t know how I would be today.”

Laughing through her sniffles, Mary-Kate reached for a tissue on the table beside her and wiped her eyes. “Half crazy like me.”

“Well, crazy or not, I’m blessed to have you. Sometimes I fell like I don’t deserve you for a sister.”

Mary-Kate raised an eyebrow. “I think that should be the other way around. You’ve been like my mother for the past two years, Ashley. I lied to you so many times and you always made me think you believed them.”

“I didn’t.”

“I know you didn’t…but you trusted me and sometimes that hurt worse than being called out on my lies in the first place. But you still picked me up every time I fell, no questions asked.”

“You know,” Ashley said after awhile. “When you were at the center, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Poor Lizzie got so sick of me…but the point is, I need you and you need me. We save each other. Always have, always will. If we don’t stick together, if we’re not honest with each other from here on out, we’re going to fall apart.”

Mary-Kate nodded. “I know…and I’m sorry, Ash.”

“It’s okay. Just promise you’ll talk to me from now on.”

She snuggled against her sister. “I will. I promise.”

“Okay.” Satisfied and trying to trust her sister’s word that things would be better, Ashley sighed. “Now what did you tell the doctor? I don’t want to mess up your story, I want to get you home.”

Holly knocked on the door before she came in a little later. She found Ashley still up on the bed beside Mary-Kate, an arm around her sleeping sister. “You guys okay now?”

Ashley nodded with a small smile. “We will be.”

“Good. You want me to take you home?”

“Actually, I think I’m going to stay.”

Holly smiled and planted herself in the vacant chair. “And I think I’ll keep you company.”

21. Alive

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 16:17:06 GMT

Sorry this one is kinda sucky and it's...*sigh* It's just not good. I just have to say, this is where her real life and the life she has in my rp start to get very different.

It was pouring out, making everything outside into a blue shade of gray. As soon as he heard the word “cut”, Elijah sighed with relief and walked off set to find a door to escape out into the real world. “It’s coming down pretty hard,” he heard security tell Brittany. She shrugged, lit her cigarette and went outside anyway. “She doesn’t so anything like normal people, does she?”

With a slight chuckle, Elijah shook his head. “No, I don’t think she does.” Copying her, he lit his own cigarette and disappeared out into the wet world outside. Surprising to him for some reason, it really was raining pretty hard. He stayed close to the building, hiding under the slight shelter of the awning over to side of the building. It took him a minute to spot Brittany, and when he did, he shook his head. “What are you doing?” he called out into the rain. A blurry figure turned in his direction. “You do realize it’s raining, right?”

Brittany’s light laughter was muffled by the beating drops as they hit the pavement. “Yes, I can see that. What do you mean, what am I doing? What are you doing? You look like a scared kid on the edge of a cliff.” As she got closer to him, her features became clearer. She grinned, standing just outside the shelter Elijah clung to. “A little rain never hurt anyone.”

He gave a short nod, sucking on his cigarette. “A little rain, no. But this…this is a monsoon.”

“You’re so dramatic. Come on!” Before he had the chance to object, she grabbed his free hand and pulled him out into the cold rain.

“What are you doing?” he almost screamed. Brittany only laughed and flung her arms out, spinning with her face to the sky and her eyes closed. “You’re insane!”

“It’s boring to be anything but insane!” She stopped twirling and smiled. “Wanna have a quickie?”

His eyes bulged. “What, here? Now? No way!”

“Aw, come on, Elijah. Where’s you sense of adventure?”

“Back inside where it’s warm and dry.”

“You need to loosen up a little. It’s just sex, everyone does it at some point and time in their life.”

He shook his head, wiping water from his face. “But not everyone has to see me do it.”

With a smirk on her face, Brittany reached out to grab the collar of his shirt and brought his face close to hers. “I used to think you were a dorky little kid.”

“I was a dorky little kid.”

“Yeah, but look at you now. Seriously, Elijah…the very first time I was in the same room as you I wanted to jump you.”

A blush made him laugh awkwardly. “Thank you?”

“You’re so cute when you blush.” Mary-Kate flashed in his mind. He remembered telling her that very same thing. Not sure what to say, he just chuckled and Brittany continued. “Having this kind of relationship with you is so freeing to me. It could be for you too, if you let it.” By now she was backing him out of the rain and up against the side of the building. Nibbling on his neck, she whispered, “Don’t you want to be free, Elijah?”

With a sharp intake of breath, he froze as the door swung open and one of the guys from security said, “They’re looking for you.”

“Thanks,” Elijah said, his voice several octaves higher than he expected.

Brittany giggled. “Looks like you’re off the hook this time, lover.” She wore a smug grin as she let go of him and walked back inside. A sigh of relief mixed with frustration escaped his lips, but he was quick to follow her inside.

“Your sister’s on the phone in the office.”

Elijah blinked. “My sister?” The guard nodded and Elijah furrowed his brow. Hannah would only call him if it were an emergency. He made his way quickly to one of the many office spaces the crew were using and shut the door behind him, trying to tell his tag-a-long that now wasn’t the time. With a disappointed pout, Brittany turned away and went back to set. Elijah watched the door for a moment and when it didn’t open, he picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.” She didn’t sound panicked.

“Hey, what’s up? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Hannah quickly assured him. “I’m actually calling you because someone called here looking for you because something is up with Mary-Kate and she can’t meet us tomorrow.”

“Wait, what? Why not? Who called?”

“Mary-Kate can’t meet us tomorrow because something, I don’t know what, is going on with her. And it was…hang on. Let me go find that piece of paper.” He heard her set the phone down and sighed, trying not to let frustration get the best of him. “Oh yeah,” Hannah said, coming back on the line. “It was Holly.”

“Holly Marie?”

“Yeah. She wouldn’t tell me what was going on but she insisted that I call you ASAP.”

“I wonder why,” he mumbled. “Alright, I should be out of here in a couple hours. If she calls again, tell her I’ll call her when I get home. Did you get her number?”

“She gave me three numbers to reach her at.”

Something about that made him slightly nervous. “And she really wouldn’t say anything about Mary-Kate?”

“Nope.”

“Okay.” He ran a hand over his face. “Yeah, I’ll get out of here as soon as I can.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye.” He hung up the phone and stood for a minute, his gaze fixed on the floor. What could be going on that would make Mary-Kate cancel, and Holly call needing to talk to him so badly that she left three different numbers to reach her at? A knock on the door snapped him from his thoughts. Brittany poked her head in.

“Everything okay?”

“Not sure,” he said absently.

“We’re being called back in, but if you have to go…”

“No, I’m sure it can wait. Let’s go.”

It actually took longer than Elijah expected to finish for the night. By the time he got home it was almost nine, and Hannah handed him the phone before she even said hello. “She called twice after I talked to you.” He threw his bag down and kicked off his shoes. “Here are the numbers.” With a grunt, he sat on the couch and dialed the first number on the list, her cell phone.”

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. What’s up?”

“Hang on a sec, I have to go outside before I get kicked out for using my phone in here. Are you at home now?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll call you back.” She hung up and Elijah did the same.

Hannah blinked. “That was fast.”

“Wherever she is, she can’t use her phone inside.” He tried to think. “Where can’t you…” He was cut off by the phone ringing to life in his hands. “Yeah.”

“Sorry about that. Do you have any idea how hard of a person you are to get a hold of?”

“I was working all day and they don’t really like us to make too many personal calls.”

“Mary-Kate is in the hospital.”

“What?” Hannah watched her brother lean forward, trying to read to sudden concern on his face.

“She had a small accident, but she’s going to be fine. She just won’t be able to meet you tomorrow since they won’t let her out for a few days. She wanted me to call you and tell you since she couldn’t herself.”

“What happened? Is she okay?” Still watching him, Hannah bit her lip.

“She’s fine,” Holly said softly, hesitating. “She just had an accident.”

“Like a car accident?”

“Oh no,” Hannah breathed, only going by what she heard Elijah say.

“No, just an accident. I really can’t tell you anymore than that.”

“Okay,” he responded reluctantly. “Well…wow, I don’t know what to do now.”

“She said she wants you to still go and have fun. She should be home in a few days and you can talk to her then.”

Elijah shook his head. “Yeah, I will definitely get a hold of her somehow. Is any of this public knowledge?”

“Yeah,” Holly lamented. “Paparazzi were here before I was. I wish I could tell you more, Elijah, but she didn’t want me to say anything.”

“Yeah, I understand. She really is okay though?”

“Yes. She will be. Go and have fun with your sister tomorrow and whatever you do, don’t believe what they may say about her on TV or whatever.”

“Trust me, I know how stories can be twisted. I don’t believe half of what I hear and read. Tell her I send my love…well, good thoughts.”

He heard her laugh slightly. “I will. Bye Elijah.”

“Bye.” Leaning back into the couch, he hung up the phone and tossed it down beside him.

“What’s going on?” Hannah asked quickly.

“Apparently Mary-Kate was in an accident or had an accident…or something like that. Holly really couldn’t tell me anything.”

“Is she alright?”

“I guess…I wish I could have talked to her.”

“What about calling her room?”

He shook his head. “I think the point is that she didn’t want to talk to me. Holly would have told me more if Mary-Kate wanted her to.”

“I’m sorry, Lij.”

“Yeah, me too…”

“So are we going to wait to go to Cedar Point?”

“No, we’ll still go. I just might cut my visit home short so I can go see her in L.A.”

“Okay, good cause Dom called earlier and invited himself and Billy along. They’re meeting us there in the morning.”

20. If I Were a Painter

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 19:44:16 GMT

Good grief! I go away for a little while and the whole world joins this community! I'll try and get to welcoming everyone, but for those I don't get to...welcome!

I got in really late last night. Despite the awful storm outside, I tried to be quiet so as not to wake everyone up. As tempted as I was to crawl into bed with Ashley and hide until morning, I was brave and waited the storm out in my own room. *wimpers*

For anyone who is keeping tabs on me, all I did for the past few days was hang out in New Hampshire with a quick stop in New York City. It was good though. It really helped me sort some stuff out and come to terms with some issues I've been dealing with. It's all good now. So I'm back. The party can begin!

Ashley switched feet and dipped the little brush back into the pale pink nail polish bottle. As she started painting the rest of her nails, she watched her twin sister with a critical eye. “You’ve changed.”

Mary-Kate, who was out of the terrace, leaning against the wrought iron railing, turned slightly to look inside her bedroom at Ashley. “I have?”

“Yeah. Not that it’s a bad thing. You’re just different.”

Coming inside, Mary-Kate closed the big glass doors and sat at the foot of the bed. “I feel different. I feel…old.”

Ashley wrinkled her nose. “Old is not a good feeling. Oh by the way, I read Elijah’s journal. Don’t make that surprised face at me, you’re the one who left it on your computer for the whole world to see!”

“Well I wasn’t expecting the whole world to come into my bedroom and use my computer!” Mary-Kate laughed.

“Well, I think it’s cute and you should totally shag him.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I should just hop a flight to his place and jump him right when he answers the door.”

“There ya go.” Finished with her toes, Ashley closed up her nail polish and sat back. “Seriously, though…you could do a lot worse.”

With a slight shake of her head, Mary-Kate let her gaze fall to the floor. “I’m not ready for a relationship. I just broke up with David not too long ago, and Elijah is super busy and we’d never see each other…”

“Are you trying to convince me of all this stuff, or yourself?”

Later that evening, Mary-Kate stood before blank canvas with her paintbrush poised just centimeters from the rough surface. She sighed and bit her lip, tilting her head to the side. After a lifetime of standing almost motionless, she let her arm drop and she stared, trying to find some sort of muse to help her get started. A soft short ring from her computer speakers made her blink. She set her brush in one of the many jars of water she had, and went to see who was disrupting her.

“Accept a message from Lijah Bagginses?” She grinned and hit yes.

“Before I say too much, let me give you a test.”

With a slight chuckle, she replied, “Okay. Go for it.”

“What is your sister’s name?”

“Which one?”

“Damn…um, the older one?”

She smiled. “If you mean my twin, then Ashley. Why are you asking me this like you have no idea who I am?”

“I wanted to make sure it was really you before I made an idiot of myself as I am so often likely to do.”

“Who you talking to?”

Mary-Kate looked up and grinned at Ashley. “Elijah.”

Ashley squealed. “Can I eavesdrop?”

“No!” Mary-Kate laughed. “Go away. I’ll tell you about it later.”

“Meanie!”

“So how are you?”

Mary-Kate turned her attention back to the computer. “I’m alright, how are you? I saw that you weren’t feeling well.”

“Meh, I’ll live. So my sister tells me anyway.”

“That’s good news. I’ll alert the press.”

“Thanks, that’ll save me some time.”

She curled her hands into fists for a moment, her fingers suddenly ice. “What can I say? I’m a giver.”

“What are you doing?”

She blinked. “Talking to you.”

“That’s all? Pretty boring.”

“I have had more stimulating conversations.” She laughed softly. “I was actually about to paint.”

“Paint what? Hey, that was mean.”

“Everyone is calling me mean tonight…paint on a canvas.”

“Like a picture or something?”

“Or something.”

It took awhile for him to respond this time. It would say he was typing, then not, then typing again, then not. She sat back and crossed her arms, wondering what the heck he was doing. “So, about that survey thing…you got nothing right.”

“I didn’t think I would,” she laughed.

“But I wanted to let you know I kind of had a crush you on when I used to watch that TV show you were on. Not Full house, but I just can't think of it at the moment.”

She groaned. “Oh please tell me you're not talking about Two of a Kind. That is the worst age to be on TV or do movies...well, I suppose I don't have to tell you that anyway. You've been there too.”

“Aha! I thought it was Two of a Kind! Most of my movie-making years were around that age...I believe Flipper was one of those movies...I know you're not really available so this wouldn‘t be a date or anything, but since I'm going to be home for awhile, my sister and I were going to Cedar Point and since she's bringing her boyfriend, I was wondering if you'd like to go…”

Her stomach flipped and a grin lit up her face. She flexed her fingers again, trying to get some kind of warmth back into them. “ Flipper, eh? Hey, I think I have that movie!” She got up and went to a small cabinet in the corner of her room. Opening it, she searched the titles of all her movies. With a triumphant smile, she returned to her seat. “Yep, good, now I know what to watch tonight. As for the invitation…I would love to go. Now here's where I show how dumb I really am...what is Cedar Point?” She didn’t feel the need to inform him that she wasn’t actually with anyone at the moment.

“Oh, please don't watch that! You've never heard of Cedar Point? Sorry maybe it's my being from the Midwest that's talking. Ah, it's an amusement park. Ever hear of the Millennium Force? Yeah. Anyway, very big roller-coasters; I think they're some of the biggest in the world. It's located in Sandusky, Ohio. It's sort of the Disney Land of that area.”

“Sorry, I’ve already popped it in the VCR,” she lied. “Yeah, I'm a California girl, and a little too sheltered apparently. But I love roller-coasters. I think it's because I was tossed around by my brother so much when I was a baby, but anyway, I love them! So whenever you plan to go, let me know and I will be there.”

“Then you should like this place. I think we're planning on going on Wednesday. Is that too soon?”

“Wednesday as in tomorrow Wednesday, or next Wednesday?”

“Next.”

“Sounds good.”

“Yeah? Awesome. Maybe I’ll catch you again before hand so we can sort of solidify plans and whatnot. I have to get going and you probably want to get back to your painting. Or movie watching. Whichever you prefer. Have a good night, Mary-Kate.”

“Thanks, Lij. You too. Bye.” She watched him sign off and sat back with a long, drawn out sigh. After a moment of staring at the screen, she got up and went to her door. “Ashley!”

As she told her sister about the content of her conversation, she went back to her canvas and picked up her brush, painting without even thinking. Her words came out sometimes in a jumble of excitement and her brush strokes were just as rapid. When she slowed down enough to finish her story, she dropped her brush in muddy water and clasped her hands together, smiling at her twin. “I’m going to Cedar Point with him!”

Ashley laughed. “That’s awesome. Really, I am so happy for you. Maybe you should have conversations like that more often.”

Mary-Kate blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Look.”

Turning, she saw her once blank canvas was no longer empty. Instead there was a sandy beach where the ocean and the shoreline were smudged together. A girl stood on the shore, her face holding contentment as the wind blew her long hair back behind her. “Oh…oh my. I did that?”

“While you were talking, yeah.”

Almost completely in the bottom left hand corner of the picture say a boy, his knees bent with his arms draped over them. He too looked out to the ocean. It was completely away from the style she usually had. The colors were blended together to form a swirling sky, the lines were far from clean…but it was beautiful none the less. “Wow…”

Ashley smiled and hugged Mary-Kate from behind. “I’m going to go see if dinner is ready.” As if entranced by her own kind of magic, Mary-Kate nodded slowly, feeling herself on the beach. She closed her eyes, imagining the sand between her toes and the wind blowing her long strawberry hair behind her. Seagulls cried overhead and the ocean whispered to her as it danced on the shore. When she opened her eyes, she focused on the boy in the far corner. Smiling slightly, she tilted her head and sang, “I’d climb inside the skies to be with you…”

19. In My World

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 22:19:17 GMT

Hannah walked in, automatically glaring at her brother. He was spread out on the couch, remote in hand and eyes half closed. “You’re such an ass.” He mumbled a thanks and she stalked to the bathroom. In a minute, she came back out. “Where’s the aspirin?”

“On the table.”

Seeing it, she picked up the bottle and eyed Elijah. “Are you alright?” The icy tone she used made her question seem more like routine than concern. “You look like you’re going to barf.”

“I already have.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.”

“Maybe.”

With a sigh, Hannah sat in one of the chairs. “You’re not fun to fight with when you don’t feel good. I’m sorry I yelled at you, and I’m sorry I forgot your message.”

“It’s cool.”

“How was moosing?”

A smile finally made an appearance as he turned his head slightly to look at her. “Awesome. Dom and Bills couldn’t make it so it was just me, Sean, and Orlando, but we had fun.”

“Did you shoot any?”

“Nah.” He closed his eyes and Hannah watched him. “I think I ate bad berries or something.”

Hannah snorted and laughed. “You’re such a moron sometimes.”

“Yeah…” He went silent for a few minutes and she though he had fallen asleep, but out of nowhere he mumbled, “Mary-Kate thinks I’m cute.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. She said so in my journal before she took off.”

“Well isn’t that special?”

“It is…I think I’m going to die, Han.”

She laughed softly. “I’m sure you’re not going to die. I doubt I could get rid of you that easily.”

Friday, we got back from moosig. Let me tell you something, IT WAS SO AWESOME! A week away from filming was just what I needed…although I almost got trampled by a herd of moose.

It all started when we all got up really early in the morning and were out in the woods. Of course, I was the best hunter of them all, so I was in the lead, tracking and doing everything an important leader is supposed to do. Well, as I was explaining what a moose mating call sounds like, (which by the way, I did perfect) when Sean and Orli said they thought they saw something. I quickly rushed over to them, and they said to go see what it was. Because, well, I am/was the bravest out of all of them. So, anyway, I went over to where they said they saw something, and checked it out.

It was a moose! Our very first one, just lying on the grass. I was so excited and the guys seemed a little surprised. *Shrugs* Oh well. They told me to go over to it and use the “Moose Call” and maybe it will come to us. I said all right, and I started honking…or whatever you want to call it. Um, I think that was a bad idea…it wasn’t working because the moose didn’t even look up. I turned around, and noticed that the guys were gone.

Sighing, I started to walk back (they probably were all scared. Never send a woman to do a mans job) and I suddenly hear this loud noise. I turn around and see a very, large moose looking and me. I tried calling the guys, but they weren’t there. I started to back up, but the moose started to come closer, and that was it. I ran. Like a foolish coward! How stupid can I get? Of course, the big moose started to chase after me, and I ran, and ran, and ran, and ran and ran. I was out of breathe when I looked behind me and noticed the moose wasn’t chasing after me anymore. I sighed with relief then I heard this loud clumping noise. I turn around again, and what do I see? About ten or more moose chasing after me! I mean come on, why would moose chase after me? I didn’t do anything wrong. It was until later Orli told me that the moose that was lying down was the “queen” of the pack or whatever.

But yeah, at least I got some of my running exercise down, right? When we got home and what? 10:00 or something in the morning, all day I slept and when I woke up, I felt so sick and thought I was going to die. Those berries Orlando told me to eat…I’ll kill that stupid elf. I will. *Shakes fist* Okay, fingers are about to fall off with all this typing and clicking. I think I’ll go to sleep now. Sounds good…

18. His Eye is on the Sparrow

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 18:19:59 GMT

“Don’t you ever do that again, do you understand me? You have no idea how worried all of us have been. I haven’t slept at all! Lizzie has been freaking out, I won’t even mention Mom, Dad, and Trent! They wanted to call the cops to see if your body had turned up or something!”

Covering her free ear with a hand to block out the noise of the city, Mary-Kate grinned, despite the chiding she was getting from her twin. “I’m sorry. I really am. I should have let you guys know I was okay. But at least I’m calling now! Don’t I get points for that?”

“It’s been four days!”

She twisted and switched listening ears so she faced the street. She was on a payphone, having accidentally left her cell phone at home. Already, someone else was in line to use it. “Seriously, I know it was dumb, and I really am sorry. Now that you know where I am, maybe I should stay away a few more days to give everyone some time to cool down.”

“No way. Holly has been calling here almost every hour! I’d be more afraid of answering to her than any of us.”

“You have thirty seconds.”

Mary-Kate frowned at the computer voice that interrupted and dug around in her purse. “I know. So I don’t always think things through before I do them. I never said I was…”

“Please deposit more change.”

“Crap! I don’t have anymore. Ash, can you still hear me? Hello?”

The girl who had been waiting to use the phone reached over Mary-Kate’s shoulder and put in six quarters. She smiled and then stepped back. “Thank you,” both Mary-Kate and the machine said at the same time.

“Sure,” said the girl with short multi-colored hair.

“Hello? Mary-Kate?”

“I’m here. Sorry, I ran out of quarters, so I’m going to have to cut this short.”

“Okay, just tell me where you are and when you’ll be home.”

“I’m in New York right now, and I should be home tonight.”

“Why are you in New York?”

“Please deposit more change.”

Mary-Kate laughed slightly. “I love you and I’ll talk to you later. Bye!” She hung up the phone and turned to the girl. “Thanks for the few extra seconds. I think I have a dollar I can give you.”

The girl shrugged. “It’s cool. I don’t think I’ll lose any sleep over it.”

“Well, thanks again.”

The girl nodded with a smile, then picked up the phone as Mary-Kate stepped out of the way. Biting her lip, she squinted up, trying to figure out where she was, and how to get to where she wanted to be. She read the street signs and watched as taxi cabs sped by her.

“Hey, it’s me. I just wanted to see if we needed anything before I came home.” She looked in her purse for a map, trying not to listen in on the conversation the girl behind her was having. “Yeah, that’s fine. Oh, shit! I forgot! Dom called early this morning. He said that Billy was going to be in LA for that Chucky movie and wanted you to call him.” So much for not listening. Mary-Kate bit her lip and pretended to be looking through her purse. “I’m sorry! Maybe if you were around during the times a normal human being is alive I would remember to give you your messages. You know what? Whatever. Do you want me to bring anything home or what? Why are you freaking out on me? He’s going to be there for like two weeks or something…I don’t know! I’m totally hanging up on you now. Bye!” She slammed the phone down and growled. “I hate older brothers!”

Turning to give the girl a sympathetic smile, Mary-Kate nodded. “I know the feeling.”

“They think they’re always right and they know everything!” Pulling a cigarette and a lighter from her bag, the girl sighed. “I would disown him if I could.” Mary-Kate laughed softly and the girl blinked. “Cigarette?”

“Oh, no thank you. I don’t smoke.”

“What happened to your wrist?”

Quickly, and without thought, Mary-Kate pulled the sleeve of her oversized sweater down. “I fell.” The girl eyed her but didn’t challenge her. “So I couldn’t help but overhear your argument. Dom and Billy…sounds like two of the guys who were hobbits.” The girl said nothing but took a long drag of her cigarette. Mary-Kate blinked. “Um, yeah, maybe you can help me, I’m kinda lost.”

“Sure, where are you supposed to be?” Mary-Kate pointed to a spot on her map. “Oh yeah! Go three blocks down here, go left, then take your second right. You’ll be right there.”

“Thank you so much, um…”

The girl smiled, laughing a little. “Hannah.”

“Thank you, Hannah. You may have just saved my life.”

She nodded. “Nice.” Both of them laughed. “What’s your name?”

“My name?” Mary-Kate thought fast. “Michelle.”

“Nice to meet you, Michelle. You look familiar.”

“That’s weird. I live in California.”

“Where abouts? I’ve been to Cali quite a few times.”

“Um, Sherman Oaks.”

Hannah thought a minute. “Nope, never been there.”

“Well it was very nice to meet you, and thank you so much for helping me out, but I really have to get going or I’ll miss my flight.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry, I’ve been told I talk too much.”

Mary-Kate grinned. “Good luck with your brother.”

“Thanks! Good luck with whoever you were arguing with on the phone.”

“My over protective twin.” Tucking her map away, Mary-Kate took a deep breath. “See ya.”

“Bye.”

17. Hero

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 04:38:03 GMT

Aye, it be a long on', lads and lassies...

The door swung open and Ashley and Lizzie staggered inside, dropping their heavy packs as soon as they could. “I still say the whole point of that was to try and kill me,” Ashley groaned, collapsing in a dramatic heap on the couch. “I haven’t been hiking like that in a long time.”

“Exactly,” Lizzie grinned. She put her hands on her hips and laughed at her older sister. “You’re out of shape, Ash.”

“I work out!”

“Not enough, obviously.” She ducked as Ashley threw a pillow and sent it sailing over her head. Pulling her shoes off, Lizzie sighed. “I’m going to jump in the shower.”

“Yeah,” groaned Ashley. I’ll do the same when I can muster up enough energy to move.” Lizzie shuffled off and left Ashley alone on the couch to cry out for her twin. “I think I’m having a heart attack, Mary-Kate. Your evil little sister dragged me up a mountain to try and get rid of me!”

“I’m your sister too!” Lizzie yelled from another room.

“Not when you’re evil!” When Mary-Kate didn’t answer, Ashley managed to pull herself up into a sitting position. “Mary-Kate.” Still receiving no answer, Ashley grunted to her feet and staggered down the hall. The door to Mary-Kate’s room was open and she peeked in. “Hello?” Her computer had been left on so she assumed if she wasn’t in the house, she would be back sometime soon. When it drew close to midnight and no one had heard anything from her, Ashley started to panic. “Call Mom,” she told Lizzie. “I’ll call Dad to let him know we still haven’t heard from her and then I’ll call Trent.”

“Did you try her cell?”

“Yeah, and it rang from her room.” They exchanged worried looks. “Call Mom.” Lizzie picked up the phone and Ashley padded on bare feet to Mary-Kate’s room, looking for any sort of clue to her whereabouts. The first place she went to was the computer to search for the journal Mary-Kate kept online. But the page that popped up when the screen saver dissipated was someone else’s journal. It was Elijah’s.

Woohoo! Guess what? My first little break from work and I’m moose hunting with my fellow hobbits and an elf in Canada. We almost caught one today! How great is that? Yeah, well, I made this awesome survey...okay, I didn't make it, I 'found' it.

Well what are you waiting for? FILL IT OUT!

1. Describe me using three or less words.
2. If you could spend a day with me, what would we do?
3. Have we ever gotten in a fight?
4. Have you ever dreamt of me? If so, tell me about it.
5. If you could give me a present, what would it be?
6. Would you hug me?
7. What do you REALLY think of me?
8. Do you trust me?
9. Do you know something about me that no one else knows?
10. What month is my birthday?(without looking at my LJ profile! Don't cheat!)
11. Do you know how old I am? (same as above..Don't cheat!)
12. Anything you wanted to tell me but never got a chance to?

Now, that wasn't that hard was it? Well must go. Moosing awaits!

She read down some of the comments to find the survey filled out by her sister just that morning.

1. Describe me using three or less words. cute, funny, goofy
2. If you could spend a day with me, what would we do? maybe go to the ocean
3. Have we ever gotten in a fight? Not really
4. Have you ever dreamt of me? If so, tell me about it. *blushes three shades of red* we all know the answer to this question and I don't think I'll get into it just now, thank you very much
5. If you could give me a present, what would it be? moose radar?
6. Would you hug me? yep
7. What do you REALLY think of me? do you really want to know? *winks*
8. Do you trust me? yeah
9. Do you know something about me that no one else knows? nope
10. What month is my birthday?(without looking at my profile! Don't cheat!)oh man, I have no clue.
11. Do you know how old I am? (same as above. Don't cheat!) *bites lip* 23?
12. Anything you wanted to tell me but never got a chance to? Just that I've always had a small crush on you.

Ashley smiled. How cute was her sister? Lizzie yelled down the hall that their mother hadn’t talked to Mary-Kate for a few days, and Ashley got up to search the room. No note on the desk or on the bed. She went to check the nightstand and stopped. “You’re kidding me.” A piece of paper lie on the floor, partially hidden by the bed covers. She picked it up and read to herself.

“I've decided to take off for a few days. Not exactly sure where I'm going or how long I'll be gone, but I need to do this. I have to figure out some stuff and I just need a few days to get my head straight. Ash, I hope you don't get mad at me for just springing this on you and not telling you where I'm going. Love you, and I'll call you when I figure out where I am. ~MK”

Ashley pursed her lips and read the note over again. “Lizzie!”

Mary-Kate had thrown an overnight bag in the back of her Blazer and took off while her father was distracted. She tried to push away the guilty feeling that was asking her not to go. A note had been left on her bed so they knew she was alright, she only hoped the wind would leave it in it’s spot. She knew Ashley would be disappointed in her for just taking off, but she knew it was what she needed to do.

It was a two hour drive that led her to an empty seat inside a small building that held nothing but a serenity in the air. The light outside was failing and the dim haze that filtered in through the window settled on the stage at the front of the room. Microphone stands waited to be used, along with a drum set and a keyboard. There were empty musical stands for the guitar players that wouldn’t be there for a few more days. Leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, Mary-Kate stared intently at the empty stage as though it held all the answers she was seeking. Footsteps on a balcony above her didn’t even pull her gaze away.

A door closed, someone came down the stairs, another door opened then closed, and someone sat beside her just a silent, both of them looking at the stage as though a performance was well underway. After some time, the person beside her spoke.

“You caught us on a good day. The beauty school that rents this building too isn’t having class today.”

Mary-Kate nodded, not moving to look at Pastor Dave. “How come you never moved into a church. Why this old warehouse building in a room that has only one window?”

“A lot of people have asked me that in the two short years we’ve been here.” Dave now leaned forward as Mary-Kate did, clasping his hands together. “Many people believe that the only place to worship God is in a church. I like to remind them that He is everywhere, and when you worship, it doesn’t have to be in a specified place. All that matters is what’s in your heart.” He turned his head slightly. “What’s in your heart, Mary-Kate?”

Biting her top lip, she shrugged. “Confusion. Fear. A sense of being lost.”

“Why did you come here?”

It took a little while for her to answer, different reasons flitting through her mind. Finally she answered, “Because I know I won’t be judged here.” As she sat up straight in her seat, she looked at Dave. “I know that I can center myself here.”

“Why can’t you do that at home?”

She shook her head. “My thoughts are too loud. My bad thoughts.” Looking down at her lap, she sagged a little. “My family is treating me like I haven’t changed. Like I’m still sick.”

“Have you changed?”

“Yes.” Even as the word passed her lips, she knew it wasn’t true. She ran a thumb over the slight scar on her right wrist. “No.”

“Then how can you expect them to treat you as if you had changed?” With a deep breath, Dave sat up and crossed his arms. “Do you know how many kids I have, Mary-Kate?”

“Five.”

He nodded. “Five. And I know when they’re lying to me. For the most part, they know when they’re being lied to by one another. Why do you think that is?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Sure you do.”

“I don’t know…because you love each other and you can tell when they’re trying to tell you something that they think will make you feel better when it really only makes you feel worse and like you feel like they can’t talk to you.”

With an impressed nod, Dave smirked. “Jumping ahead a bit here in my train of thought, but essentially, yes. What you have to understand, Mary-Kate, is that you project your feelings onto others without even realizing you are doing it.”

She blinked and looked at him. “I do?”

“You wear your emotion in your eyes. For those who don’t really know you it’s easy to tell how you feel. I can only imagine how your family feels, never mind your twin sister.”

Silence settled on them again as the sun sank lower in the sky, casting golden shadows on the empty stage. Mary-Kate closed her eyes, silently praying for strength and wisdom. At length, she almost whispered, “I don’t think I’m ready or strong enough to do this. I don’t think I’m strong enough to change.” She didn’t even have to look at him to know he frowned briefly.

“When I was in high school, my older brother was diagnosed with a congenial heart disease.” Mary-Kate’s head snapped up, but Dave kept his eyes to the front of the room. “He was in and out of the hospital, meeting different doctors and specialists. My father, as I’m sure you know, was a devout believer and tried to raise all of us kids to be the same way. Up until that moment, I thought I was just as strong in my faith as he was. Up until that moment I thought we were all was invincible. But being told my brother had less than a year to live shook my faith a little.”

“I never knew…”

Dave shrugged. “I’m surprised. I talk about it enough. Anyway, I got pretty mad at God, and stayed that way for a long time. I didn’t get how a wonderful, loving, caring God would put someone through something like that. My brother, throughout his entire life, kept a smile on his face and never stumbled in his walk. In the beginning everyone prayed, prayed real hard. But when it became obvious that his living was no longer part of God’s plan, he accepted it without any indifference. He went on as though everything was fine.”

“And you?”

“Me? Well I questioned the entire idea of God. I even considered not going to school to become a pastor. I looked at my sisters and my parents struggling everyday, crying and dreading the day that would be my brothers last. I felt like his passing would break us all. And it almost did. We came so close to falling apart that I was terrified of what would happen. My mother stayed in bed, my sisters wouldn’t talk, my father never came home. I usually began the day and ended the day with my face turned to the ceiling, using my thoughts to scream at God. He took my brother away. He made me family fall to pieces.”

Timidly, Mary-Kate asked, “So what happened?”

“Life didn’t stop,” Dave answered simply. "Eventually I woke up to see that my brother had touched a lot of people in his life. He brought a lot of people to God, and maybe it was his time to go home. I helped my mother to see what I now saw, my sisters joined in when we started telling stories about him, and my father came home one night and he stayed. My brother's death brought our family closer together, Mary-Kate. Even though God was a huge presence in all of our lives, we were almost strangers to each other before he died. Because he died, I got to know my family in a way I never would have otherwise.”

“Everything happens for a reason,” she mumbled.

“That, and you have to trust God, Mary-Kate. He will never give you too much to handle. He knows how much you can take before you break, and He may push you until you feel like everything is falling apart around you, but it never will. And if you trust and believe enough in Him, you’ll find that to be true.”

“I think that’s why I came here,” she said after a few minutes of silence. “Because I know the answers will come to me when I’m here. To be honest, I never tried seeking the answers when I was anywhere else. I guess I should try that.” Grabbing her bag and the sunglasses she set in the chair beside her, she tilted her head. “But how will I know if I get an answer?”

“You’ll know,” Dave smiled. “Trust me.”

As she stood, she slung her bag over her arm. “I like this a lot better than confession.”

With a big grin, Dave laughed. “So do I” He walked with her to the door. “Are you heading home?”

“To the airport. I’m going to New Hampshire for a few days.”

“Oh? What’s in New Hampshire?”

She took a deep breath. “I don’t know, really. Ashley and I went to a private school in Exeter, New Hampshire when we were younger, and I remember how peaceful it was up there. Thought a small vacation with some peace would do me some good.” She smiled as she hugged Dave, her head not even reaching his shoulder. “Thank you for the talk.”

“Anytime, Mary-Kate. Be careful, and you know my number if you still need an ear.”

“Thanks, Dave. See ya!”

16. Stranded

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 15:23:35 GMT

Mary-Kate opened her eyes to slits, noise from out in the hallway pulling her from her peaceful dreaming. The sun poured in from her window and lit up a spot on the floor where she had left one slipper, the other tossed somewhere else. “You’ve got your bag, Princess?” Her father was just outside her door and she heard Ashley tell him yes. With a slight groan, she sat up and slipped on her one sun warmed slipper, then padded to the door. As she opened it, her father turned and smiled at her. “Good morning, Peanut.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost noon,” Ashley reported as she rushed by.

“Why didn’t anyone wake me up?” Turning to search for her missing slipper, Mary-Kate left her door open.

“I know you were up late last night so I thought you’d want to sleep in. How was your visit with Trent?”

“Good.” Her hand found the fuzzy blue of her right slipper under her bed. She sat down and put it on, still trying to wake up. It had been a few days since her visit with Holly, and last night Trent had come over to spend some time with just Mary-Kate. “Well, not good. Interesting.” Her father gave her a quizzical look which she waved off. “I need some coffee before I can get into it.”

Ashley and Lizzie left for a hike and Mary-Kate sat at the breakfast bar with her father, holding a large steaming mug. “I have issues.”

“We all do, Peanut. We all do.”

She took a long sip of her coffee. His answer to what she had just said annoyed her slightly, but she tried to shrug it off. “Why did you call Ashley princess and me peanut?”

Looking up from his newspaper, her father blinked. “You’re eighteen and you’re just now expressing your jealously at this?”

“I’m not jealous,” she laughed. “Just curious.”

“To be perfectly honest, I don’t really remember. Maybe because she was born first. I know I called you peanut because you were smaller than she was. You still are.”

“Just by an inch.”

“But you’re still my peanut.”

She smiled. “Yeah.” They sat in silence for awhile before Mary-Kate sighed. “Trent treated me weird.”

“How so?”

With a frown, she thought about the visit and the argument she had with her older brother just the night before. He had come over after everyone else in the family had left to go see the movie she had seen with Holly, wanting to spend some time with just her. When he came in and she went for a hug, his arms were loose around her and he pulled back quickly from the embrace.

“How ya doing?” he asked as they went into the living room.

“I’m okay,” she said tentatively. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” They sat down across the coffee table from each other and Trent looked at her with a strange smile.

Mary-Kate furrowed her brows. “What?”

“Nothing. I’m just glad you’re home. You’re feeling alright?”

A slight laugh escaped her. “Trent, I had an eating disorder, not the flu. I’m fine.”

“Have,” he corrected. “I read that someone never really gets over it.”

“Oh my word,” she mumbled. “Wanna play a game or something?”

“Yeah, that sounds good. Yatzee?”

“No way!” Turning to her brother with a knowing grin, she shook her head. “You kick my butt in that game.”

“Why else would I want to play it?”

“No, we’re playing Sorry.”

By the time Mary-Kate had won the second game, Trent seemed to be a little more comfortable with whatever it was he was struggling with, being around her. As he set up for the next game, she went into the kitchen and made popcorn. She came out with a bowl filled to the brim with the snack and two cans of soda. “Okay, let me just beat you one more time and then we can play whatever you want or watch a movie or something.” She sat down and took a handful of popcorn to eat while she took her turn. When she finished, she looked up to see Trent watching her. Shifting in her seat on the floor, she opened her soda. “Please don’t watch me eat. I get that enough in public, I don’t need it from my family too.”

“I’m sorry,” he said with a frown. “I just…I don’t know how to act.”

“Like normal.” She scowled at him across the table. “I thought, of all people, I could count on you to help make things go back to normal.”

“Well obviously normal wasn’t working for you, Mary-Kate, or you wouldn’t be starving yourself.”

She stood up and started to put the game away. “Alright, I’m done with this pleasant visit.” Without a word, Trent helped her clean up and for some reason, that only added fuel to Mary-Kate’s anger. “Maybe if people would have treated me like a normal kid I wouldn’t have turned to starving myself to get someone to notice that I wasn’t happy.”

“But you weren’t a normal kid, MK. Neither is Ashley but she’s doing fine.”

“Ashley is stronger than I am I guess.”

She picked up the almost untouched bowl of popcorn and blatantly dumped it in the trash. Trent blinked. “What are you doing?”

“What you expect me to do. Not eat. Or do you want me to eat the whole thing and then come and watch me puke it up? I can do that if you’d rather.” She put her hands on her hips and looked at him as he stood in the doorway to the kitchen.

At length, he said, “I want you to be my little sister again.”

With a sigh, her hard expression softened. “I’m still your little sister, Trent. it’s just…” She shook her head. "I feel like no one gets me now.”

“No one really does,” he answered softly.

“Well it makes me sad.” Pursing her lips, she looked at the floor. “I can’t wait to get to New York.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I think I just need to get away from everyone.” When she looked at him again, there was still a glint of anger in her green eyes. “I hate being treated like I’m going to fall apart. I am fine, Trent. I can take care of myself. If I couldn’t, they wouldn’t have let me graduate. If I couldn’t, I would still be at the center.”

“Unless you got better at hiding it.”

Her mouth dropped open and she stared in disbelief. “I can’t believe you just said that.” She stalked to the door and whipped it open, standing in the hallway. “Get out.”

“Mary-Kate…”

“Get out!” He said nothing more as he swept past her. When he was down the front steps, she slammed the door behind him.

“You still with me, Peanut?”

Mary-Kate blinked, coming out of her thoughts, and smiled at her father. “Yeah, sorry. Um, yeah, Trent just treated me weird. I guess it will take a little bit before things get back to normal around here.” She didn’t tell him about the fight, or how after he left she sat against the door and cried until she barely had energy to keep her eyes open. She didn’t tell him about the razors she kept hidden that she used to take the hurt from her heart and make the feeling more tangible on her arm.

“Things were never normal around here.”

She forced another smile. “No, I guess they weren’t.”

So my brother, Trent, came over last night to hang out with me for awhile...*sighs* You know, it's one of the two with people now. They either treat me like I should be prefect, or like I'm made of porcelain and am ready to break. Trent treated me like the latter. Even when he hugged me it was as if he was hugging an egg, (don't ask me why anyone would hug an egg), and if he squeezed too hard he would kill me.

If I swore, I would have had a bigger fit than I did last night. As it was, I kinda went off on him. I should call and apologize later, if I feel like it. Maybe I don't want to apologize. maybe this is the new me, and I'll be known as the "evil twin".

No, that's not what I want either. I don't know what I want anymore.

Oh, and I hope you don't mind but I quoted some of you in my user info. :)

14. Us Against the World

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 23:50:30 GMT

Just for my smallish bear...

“Hey, Peanut. Where are you going?”

Mary-Kate was almost out the door when her father came around the corner and stopped her. She pulled her aviator sunglasses down her nose and glanced back inside at her father. “I’m going to the movies with a friend and then I think we might go shopping or something. I won’t be back for awhile.”

“Alright.” He smiled. “Just like to know where my girls are running off to.”

“Ashley isn’t coming with me.”

At this, he blinked. “Oh. Okay.” With a playful smile, he narrowed his eyes. “Do I know this friend?”

Finally, Mary-Kate retuned his smile. “Not in person, but you’ve watched her show with me.”

“I watch a lot of different shows with my kids.”

“Charmed. She plays Piper.”

He nodded. “Oh yeah. Alright, do you have your phone?”

“Yes, Dad.” Before she gave an exasperated sigh, she reminded herself that he was only asking because he loved her. She pushed her sunglasses back on and went inside, giving her father a tight hug. “I have my phone and I gave Ashley Holly’s number in case my phone dies. It shouldn’t, but just in case.”

Bending, he kissed the top of her head. “What are you going to go see?”

“Spiderman 2.”

“Alright, well have a good time.”

She let go of him and picked up a lime green handbag. With a smile and a slight wave, she closed the door behind her and ran down the front steps to a waiting car parked out front. “Good morning,” she said as she opened the passenger door and climbed in.

“Hey, sweetie, how are you?”

“I’m good.” Mary-Kate fastened her seat belt and smiled at Holly. “How are you?”

“Pretty good.” She shifted the car into gear and pulled away from the house. “Sorry I’m a little early, I have to drop Finley off with David.”

Mary-Kate blinked and turned to see a little baby asleep in the backseat, snuggled safely in his car seat. “I didn’t even see him there.”

Holly smiled. “Yeah, he’s so tiny and quiet, he’s easy to forget.” Mary-Kate looked at her and Holly laughed. “I never said that was a good thing!” After Finley was left with his father, Holly looked at her watch. “We still have about an hour until the movie starts. Want to grab something to eat first?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Just a short time later, both Holly and Mary-Kate sat outside at a little café. “It was so weird to be home,” Mary-Kate was saying. She poked at her chicken salad with her fork. “I don’t think I would have made it if Ashley wasn’t there.”

“What would have happened if she wasn’t?” Holly wiped her mouth on her napkin. “I mean, what would you have done? You said you hadn’t eaten anything before she came to find you because you didn’t want people to stare, right? So you didn‘t have anything to throw up.”

“Yeah.” She shrugged. “I would have found some way to distract myself.” Her eyes flitted to her wrist, but she quickly met Holly’s gaze. “Locked myself in my room.”

Holly finished chewing and tossed her hair over her shoulder. “I want you to promise me something.” She reached forward and laid a hand over Mary-Kate’s hand. “I want you to call me if you ever feel trapped like that again, okay? I’m just ten minutes away from you and if you need to escape, and I’m not filming, I will be right there to get you. Can you promise me that you’ll call me?”

A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as Mary-Kate nodded. “I promise.”

“Good.”

“You know, you’re like the older sister I always wanted.”

This made Holly grin as she took another bite from her sandwich. “I’ve always wanted a little sister too. That means you get to be my Barbie doll you know.”

“I do?”

“Oh yeah. As soon as the movie is out, we’re hitting the mall. I get to pick out some really cute clothes for you, put your hair in a really bad braid, and give you bright blue eye shadow.”

Mary-Kate grinned and bent her arms at her side like a true Barbie doll. “I suppose I should have my teeth bleached and breast implants then too.”

“Yeah, but we can save that for another day.”

After the movie, Mary-Kate and Holly went to the mall as promised. Holly, completely unafraid of being spotted, slung her purse over her shoulder and climbed out of the car. Mary-Kate wound her hair and held it on top of her head, pulling on a bucket hat and her oversized sunglasses. When she got out, she offered an apologetic smile to Holly. “Come on,” Holly said. She looked around for any cameras and slung a protective arm around Mary-Kate as they walked inside.

“So you said you broke up with your boyfriend a little bit ago, right?” They stood inside a fluorescent lighted store, sifting through racks of clothing.

“Yeah, David.” She pulled a white button down shirt from the rack and Holly looked it over, then shook her head.

“Not all David’s are bad,” Holly said with a smirk.

“Yeah I know, I just happened to find the rotten egg of the dozen.”

“Oh, this is cute…any other guys you have your eye on?”

“Um…” With a small smile, Holly looked up to see Mary-Kate to bite her bottom lip. “No…no, not really.”

“You took way too long to answer that. Spill it, who is he?”

Mary-Kate laughed and shook her head. “I just have a small crush on someone, but it’s nothing I’d ever pursue.”

“Why not? Who is he?”

Pursing her lips, she looked around and moved closer to Holly to whisper, “Elijah Wood.”

The way Holly smiled almost made Mary-Kate feel like she already knew. But how? “Elijah is a good guy. A little goofy, but a good guy.”

“You know him?”

“Only through the journals, and partially through a mutual friend of ours. I’m the one that got him into the journaling thing. Why wouldn’t you go after him? He’s single.”

Mary-Kate shrugged. “He’s in a different league than I am. You‘re so pushy!”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Mary-Kate. You never know unless you give it a try. And I know I am, it‘s the mother in me.”

“I don’t know.” She sighed. “I’ve got a big move coming up, I’ll be starting school, plus I have to practically live with my sponsor from the center. I just don’t think I have room to worry about a new relationship too.”

It was close to ten that night when Holly pulled over in front of Mary-Kate’s house. “I had a lot of fun today,” Mary-Kate said, leaning over to give Holly a hug.
“Me too. We’ll have to do it again before you girls leave. Think Ashley would want to come next time?”

“I’ll ask her.”

“Remember to call me if you need to be rescued.”

“I will.” Mary-Kate climbed out and said goodnight before closing the door and running inside. She found Ashley and Lizzie in the living room, playing Sorry. “Hey.” They both looked up.

“Hey,” Ashley said, watching Lizzie closely as the youngest sister grinned and knocked one of Ashley’ pieces off the board. “How was your day with Holly?”

“It was fun.” She hung up her coat and went to sit, cross legged, on the couch to watch for a moment. “Who’s winning?”

“I am now,” Lizzie said proudly. “How was the movie? Worth seeing?”

“Yeah, I liked it better than the first one, actually.”

“Yay! Going to see it tomorrow then.”

“Elijah wrote back to you.”

Mary-Kate nodded, then froze. “He did! Wait, why were you looking at my journal?”

“I wasn’t just looking at yours, I was looking at everyone’s. I was thinking about getting one myself.”

“He really wrote something?” Ashley didn’t have time to answer before Mary-Kate had jumped up and run to her room to get on the computer. She read his reply to her entry, feeling her face turn red. “Oh my gosh…” Lizzie and Ashley soon joined her. “Why did I even put that in there? I knew he was going to read this!”

“What did you put?”

Ashley grinned. “She said she had an interesting dream about Elijah.”

Grinning, Mary-Kate typed, “I shouldn’t have even put that in here. Just looking at your user picture makes me blush!”

“Aw, Mary-Kate and Elijah,” Lizzie said slowly. “How cute.”

“Stop it,” Mary-Kate laughed. “We’re just friends.”

“Sure,” her sisters said together.

“I’m not talking to you two anymore.” Mary-Kate got up, her nose in the air, and grabbed a towel to take to the bathroom. “I’m taking a shower.” She closed the bathroom door, leaving Lizzie and Ashley to melt into a fit of giggles.

Get Mine, Get Yours

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 15:34:51 GMT

*chuckles* It's a good thing Clara isn't around to read this...

The door crashed open and the hall light flooded into the empty apartment. Elijah stumbled inside, his arms wrapped around someone as they feverishly tried to pull each others clothes off. His jacket fell to the floor along with her sweater. He reached for the door to slam it shut, still completely entangled as fingers worked at his belt. “You’re sure no one’s home?” asked the girl.

“She’s not coming home tonight.” Hannah had told him earlier that day that she’d be gone for the night and most of the next day.

“Wait, my arm is stuck.” Elijah grinned, letting go of the shirt he was trying to pull off of her. She giggled from inside her cocoon and pulled it off herself. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Completely.” With new passion, he grabbed her and pressed his lips to hers, slowly leading her to his bedroom.

He had known Brittany Murphy for a little over three weeks. They were in this new film together, and she seemed wild, crazy, and free spirited. She didn’t care what people thought about her when she belched in public or wore half of her hair in a French braid. Ever since their first meeting, they had flirted shamelessly, but Elijah didn’t think anything of it. He was a flirt by nature and figured she was too. He was completely attracted to her, but knew that they were two people on totally different paths. But when she approached him earlier that day…

“Alright Mr. Hobbit, there’s enough sexual tension between us to cut with a knife. What say we do something about it?”

They were pretty out in the open in the studio when she came up to him and he glanced around nervously. “What do you propose?”

“I’m thinking a friends with benefits type of deal. No romance, just sex.” He blinked and stammered, which made Brittany grin. “Unless you think you’d fall in love with me or something.”

“No!” He jumped at the sound of his own voice, then frowned. “I would never…I mean, that’s not to say that I couldn’t fall in love with you, or that you’re not loveable, or…”

“Relax,” she laughed. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

In the morning when he woke up, he rolled over to find his bedmate to be only a note. He sat up and looked around, rubbing his eyes. “Brittany?” When there was no answer, he grabbed the note and unfolded it.

“For a little guy, you sure have stamina. Sorry I left early, but I wanted to go home and shower before work this morning. Remember, this is just a physical thing. So if you see me with a guy sometimes, don’t get jealous or anything. See you later. -Brit.” With a loud sigh, he flopped back onto his pillow.

When they sat next to each other in the board room where everyone sat, reading over the latest script changes, they acted like people who had only met three weeks ago. Only once in awhile would he catch the lusty glance she would shoot his way, only for the pleasure of making him turn red. At lunch, he offered to buy her a cup of coffee, but she politely declined, saying that she was all set.

“Have you ever had a guy that you just slept with? There was no real relationship to it at all.”

Hannah twirled around in the computer chair to look at her brother later that night. “Why? Did someone call for me?”

He chuckled. “Chill out, no one called for you. I was just asking, but judging by your reaction, I’ll take that as a yes.”

With a roll of her eyes, Hannah turned back to the computer. “Yeah, it didn’t last very long though. He got attached and I had to cut him off.”

Elijah shook his head. “I’m not sure I even want to have this conversation anymore.”

“Why? Are you someone’s boy toy?”

“Oh my…you know what? Never mind.”

“No, I’m sorry. I’ll be cool.” She grinned. “So are you?”

“I’ve never done anything like this before, so I’m not sure what the protocol is.”

“No lovely little glances, no holding hands, no sweet little kisses, no presents unless they’re dirty, no questioning, no jealously, straight up, no commitment.”

Elijah gawked at his little sister. “You know, up until this point I had convinced myself that you were still a virgin.”

She laughed. “Are you kidding? I haven’t been a virgin since…” His face went pale. “Since, like six months ago.”

“Thank you. Hey, when you’re done, let me know. There are some things I wanted to check out.”

“It’s all yours.”

They switched placed as Hannah climbed onto the couch and Elijah sat down at the computer. He smiled a little as he began to read Mary-Kate’s entry, but was grinning by the time he finished. “She had a dream about me.” Hannah, immersed in whatever she was watching, only nodded. “An interesting dream about me, eh?” he typed in response. “Anything I should know about?” He smirked and turned off the computer, turning to face the TV. “I think I am going to head off to bed.”

Looking at her watch, Hannah made a face. “Okay, old man. It’s only ten.”

“Yeah well, I had a late night last night and an early morning this morning. And another one tomorrow.”

“Okay, fine. Go to bed, see if I care.”

He stood up and bent over the back of the couch, planting a big kiss on Hannah’s forehead. “Goodnight little sister.”

“Ick!’ She squirmed away from him and wiped her forehead with her sleeve. “Goodnight,” she laughed. “Have a good day tomorrow.”

“I will try.” He closed his bedroom doors behind him and stood, facing his messy bed. Hannah’s advice about his relationship with Brittany replayed in his head. Not getting attached would be an easy thing to do, he assured himself. All he had to do was keep his heart out of it.

13. True Courage

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 16:04:20 GMT

Halfway through the party, Ashley looked around for her twin sister. There were kids playing in the pool, a group of family members gathered by the grill with her dad, and other smaller clans scattered here and there. Ashley sat at a small glass table with her mother, Mackenzie, and a few family friends. “Mom, did you see where Mary-Kate went?”

“She probably just stepped inside to use the bathroom.”

Though she nodded, something told Ashley that Mary-Kate had been MIA for longer than she should have been. She set her glass of iced tea on the table and smiled at everyone. “Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”

She got up and started inside, only to be stopped by her father. “Hey, Princess, the burgers are done if you want one.”

“Um, yeah, in a sec. I just need to duck inside for a sec.”

“Alright.”

She went in through the open sliding glass doors that led into the vast family room. Looking around, she blinked. “Mary-Kate?” When no answer came, she bit her lip and walked through the house. At long last, she found her sister in one of the last places she looked. Mary-Kate leaned on the sink, looking out the kitchen window into the empty side yard. “Hey,” Ashley said softly. “Here you are.” Mary-Kate nodded without turning to look at her sister. “You okay?”

With a sigh, Mary-Kate nodded again. “I’m having a hard time with this party.” Turning around, she shrugged and looked at the floor. “It’s weird…I feel really vulnerable out there.”

“How do you mean?”

“Dad is making a bunch of burgers, everyone else brought all sorts of food…” Biting her lip, she shook her head. “I don’t know if I want to eat out there. I’m so hungry, but I know everyone is going to be watching every bite I take.”

Ashley offered a slight smile, sympathy in her eyes. “You’ve got to expect that though.”

“Doesn’t mean I have to want it. And what is with people talking to me like I’ve five?”

Ashley hoisted herself up to sit on the counter. “I noticed that too. It’s not like you have brain damage or anything.”

“I’m being smothered by some, and avoided by others.” She looked sad as she said, “ I thought this was supposed to be easier being home.”

“Come on.” Ashley’s shoes made a soft click on the tile floor as she jumped down from the counter. She linked arms with her sister. “Stick with me and I’ll be your shield.”

That night, when all the extra family members had gone home and it was just Ashley, Lizzie, and her father there with her, Mary-Kate stood in her room, unpacking her clothes. Lizzie knocked on the doorway and poked her head in. “Come on in.”

“I just wanted to say goodnight.” Lizzie sat down on her sisters bed and crossed her legs. “You were pretty quiet today.”

“I’m just tired,” Mary-Kate lied. She finished hanging up a sweater, then leaned to hug Lizzie and kiss her head. “Sleep well.”

“You too.”

When Lizzie had gone, Mary-Kate sat down at her desk and sighed, looking around the room at her familiar things. She bit her lip, wanting to somehow get rid of the strangling feeling in her throat. With a shaking hand, she reached for something thin and silver from a desk drawer. “Hey.” She jerked her hand away and looked up to see Ashley. “Dad wanted to know if you want to watch a movie with us.”

“Um…” She glanced at her desk drawer. “What are you watching?”

“I think we’re going to watch Skulls. Dad doesn’t believe me that they’re a real fraternity and everything, so I wanted him to see it and that little blurb they have at the beginning about two of our presidents being a part of it.”

“Um, I’m actually pretty tired. I think I’m just going to pop in a movie in here and go to sleep.”

“Okay.” Ashley smiled as she wrapped her arms around her small sister. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

“Me too,” Mary-Kate answered weakly.

“See you in the morning.” Ashley closed the door as she left and burning tears slid down Mary-Kate’s cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut, fighting with herself. She got up and locked her door. As she turned her attention back to her desk, she held her right wrist. It was minutes before she took a step closer to the desk. Her fingers wrapped around what she was looking for. She was angry when she withdrew her hand, empty, and climbed into bed, resigning herself to a fitful slumber.

Strange Dream
Well I'm home now, and I must admit it is nice. Mon and Dad and my brother and sister had a little party type thing for me. Lots of family I didn’t even know I had came. Poor Ashley, she must think I'm glued to her now, lol. I followed her around everywhere until people left. I don't know why, I guess she's my security blanket.

Late last night I couldn't sleep so I got up and watched the behind the scenes stuff of The Two Towers. Word of advice, don't watch strange things late at night. When I finally fell asleep I had a very....um...how shall I put it...'interesting' dream about Elijah. Not going to say anymore than that. Just thinking about it gets me all embarrassed. Alright, I'm out of here.

12. The Girl in the Mirror

Wed, 10 Nov 2004 19:48:02 GMT

Sorry everyone! I lost internet for awhile, but I'm back now.

She stared at the ceiling as though every question she could ever had could be answered in the pop corned texture of the tiles that glared white in the fluorescent lighting. She took a deep breath, placing a hand on her flat stomach. Holding her air in, her fingers ran up the sunken hollow of her stomach, just feeling the sharpness of her ribs through her light sweater. Touching her collar bone, she let out her breath slowly and pursed her lips together.

A soft knock on her door made her sit up in time to see a younger girl with bright blue eyes and blonde hair peek into the room. “Mary-Kate?”

“Lizzie!” Mary-Kate jumped up as her younger sister ran into the room and they embraced, Mary-Kate rocking her back and forth. “What are you doing here? It can’t be that late already!”

“It’s almost noon,” the younger sister giggled.

“Hey baby!” Both girls looked to see a small woman with long dark hair come into the room. “How’s my little girl?”

Mary-Kate went to hug her now. “Hey, Mom.” Pulling away, she pushed her hair behind her ears. “Thank you for coming.”

“Are you kidding?” the woman asked. “I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.” She looked around as Lizzie moved to giver her sister another hug. “Are we the first one’s here?”

“Yeah, Ashley and Trent are on their way right now, and Dad and Mackenzie should be here any minute.”

“Are they bringing the kids?”

“No, they can’t make it for some reason, but it’s cool.” The kids her mother referred to were Mary-Kate’s half brother and sister by her fathers second wife, Mackenzie. “I’m just glad you guys came. I was starting to get a little anxious.”

“Don’t be nervous, MK,” Lizzie said as she sat at the desk. “You’re coming home! You should be excited!”

“I am.” Pacing to the window, Mary-Kate wrung her fingers. “I’m just nervous about this whole speech thing. I must have re-written it about ten times by now, and I’m still not happy with it.”

“Not happy with what?”

Everyone looked at the door and Mary-Kate broke into a relived smile. “Daddy.” She melted into a bear hug from her father, then hugged the small blonde woman behind him. “Hi, Mackenzie.”

“How are you, Mary-Kate?”

“Nervous,” she admitted with a slight laugh. “But I’m sure I’ll be fine once it’s all said and done.”

It was quarter to one when Mary-Kate sat amidst her peers in the auditorium sized classroom at the center. As a few of the therapists and teachers spoke, she twisted around in her seat to look for her family. When she spotted them, she frowned and turned back around. “Ashley and Trent aren’t here yet,” she mumbled to Tia, who sat to her left.

“They’ll be here. Don’t worry.”

Through the rumble of clapping not ten minutes later, Mary-Kate looked back in time to see her tall older brother, Trent, and Ashley come in through one of the side doors and find seats with the rest of the family. As Ashley found where she was going to sit, Lizzie pointed to where Mary-Kate was and they met eyes. Ashley mouthed an apology and Mary-Kate smiled and shrugged before turning back around. Soon enough, her name was called for her to give her goodbye speech.

Climbing up the slight stairs, she felt her cheeks burn and she gave a slight smile to those who clapped. She stood before the podium and the clapping quieted as she began to speak. “I um…” Stopping, she looked to one of the instructors behind her. “It’s too high.” Laughter rippled throughout the room as the microphone was lowered so she had an easier time talking into it. “Much better.” Nervously, she shuffled her papers and pushed her hair behind her ears.

“When I came to Swanson, I thought my life was going to end. There were times throughout my stay here that I wished it had ended because it would be easier to let go than to fight for something that I wasn’t sure I even really wanted. I thought, ‘these people cannot possibly understand what I am going through, what I’m struggling with in my life.” She bit her lip. “But they did…you all did.

“I thought I would be somewhat of an outcast and that my name would make me either public enemy number one, or miss popularity, neither of which I wanted to be. But what I found was something more like a family than a dysfunctional high school.” Laughing nervously, she looked around the room. “Like I’d know what an actual high school was like.” A low laughter resounded around her and she felt a little more at ease.

“I used to look in the mirror and see all of my imperfections. I’d see all the mistakes I had made that day, or how bad my makeup was, or how, maybe I should have worn the blue dress instead of the brown. I used to look at that girl in the mirror like she wasn’t me. I knew she had serious problems, that was easy to tell. Each time I saw her, she looked thinner and thinner. Her eyes were always so sad and no matter how many times I tried to say something to make her smile, I could never seem to find my words when I looked at her.

“So I changed the style of clothes I wore, dyed my hair red, tried to find an identity away from her…but I still felt frozen when I saw her. The one time I could talk to her, I told her that she didn’t have to be afraid, that everything was going to work out just fine.” Here she paused and put a finger to her mouth, trying to fight back the emotions she remembered feeling. “And when I actually said the words, I laughed because, even to my ear it didn’t sound believable. And then one day in class, they gave us this assignment.“ Tia looked down, knowing what Mary-Kate was talking about.

“They told us to go back to our rooms and sometime, when we were alone, to look in the mirror, to touch every bone that we could see outlined under our skin, and to write them down. I did what was asked of us all to do. I stared into those hollow, frightened eyes and I touched and counted my bones. I don’t even want to tell you how many, out of all the 206 bones in my body, I counted…but after that I ran into the bathroom and got sick. I didn’t make myself sick, I was just so revolted at what I finally saw in the mirror, that I threw up. It was then that I realized that the sad girl who was looking at me from that silver glass…was actually me.”

Many heads bowed, empathy being roused by her words. “I started watching others in here. I watched them when family visited, saw how they interacted and what certain actions caused which reactions. I saw that my eating disorder wasn’t only effecting me, but my entire family. So at first, I told myself that I was getting better for my family. That made me work hard at my recovery, because it wasn’t something I was doing for me. I thought of…” Her voice broke as a tear slid down her cheek. “I thought about my little sister who I knew looked up to me, who measured everything she did to what me and Ashley did. I pictured what was happening to me, happening to her, and it made me so angry that I sometimes overate just to make up for all the times I didn’t eat at all.”

Lizzie reached for Ashley’s hand as Ashley wiped away a tear. “It was a question from my Ashley that made me realize that I had to want to be better for myself. We were talking about our childhood and, innocently enough, she asked me if I liked who I had become. When I couldn’t answer yes, it finally dawned on me that that was the point.”

“When I came here, I weighed 86 pounds. I leave here today weighing 98.” Clapping erupted throughout the room and she waited for the applause to quiet before she continued. “I have a greater appreciation for the people in my life, and I know now that when I need help or feel out of control, it is my job to make it known. No one is going to solve anything for me. It’s all up to me. I finally understand I have, and always have had the thing that made me turn down this road in the first place. Control.”

As her instructors and therapists took turns giving her tight hugs, she wiped her eyes free of tears that just kept coming, and clapping drowned out anything that was said amongst people in the room. When she finally took her seat again, she got a hug from Tia, and they looked over her newly received certificate of completion.

When all of the speeches had been given and all the announcements made, people got up and made their way to the kitchen where a party was being thrown. Mary-Kate broke into a run up the isle and almost knocked Ashley down as she tackled her with a hug. Both of them were in tears as they clung to each other as though their very lives depended on it. Trent came and wrapped his arms around both of them, kissing Mary-Kate on the head. “I’m ready to go home now,” she whispered in Ashley’s ear. “I’m ready to go home.”

11

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 02:36:33 GMT

Cause I'm

Elijah finished reading and sat back, leaning against the wall. The room was still pretty empty, save a few boxes scattered here and there. He was sitting on the cold hardwood floor with his computer in his lap. A frown creased the corners of his mouth as he sat alone in the silence. The front door soon opened and Hannah walked in. “The traffic is insane,” she announced, throwing her purse on the floor. She cast a quick glance at her brother before going back out to the hall to grab another box to bring inside. “Are you okay?”

“I’m having issues. Wanna hear about them?”

“No thank you.”

“I just read Mary-Kate’s last journal entry, and…wait. Did you say no?”

“Yes.” She blinked.

“Well…why? I want to tell you about my issues.”

“And I want to keep my good mood, thank you very much.”

“But Hannah!” She disappeared back into the hallway and Elijah put his computer down beside him so he could stand up. “I’m worried about a friend of mine.”

“Someone I know?” she asked, pushing a big box inside and closing the door behind her.

“No, not personally.”

“Then I don’t care,” she breathed. “The moving van should be here in about a half an hour, so I suggest you move all this crap out of the way.” Finally looking at her brother, she saw him nod slowly, his blue eyes downcast. With a sigh, she threw her hands up. “Alright, talk.”

“There’s this girl…”

“The same girl that has had you sulking these past few days?”

He scowled. “I have not been sulking.”

“Yeah you have. But go on.”

“Anyway, I can’t seem to get her out of my thoughts, even though I don’t really know her.” He helped Hannah as she picked up a large box and they moved it up against the back wall of the living room. “I love her laugh,” he said wistfully. “It’s so infectious. And you can’t help but smile when she does either.”

“She sounds cute,” Hannah grunted, moving another box by herself.

“But she’s struggling with herself, and I wish I could help her somehow.”

“So why don’t you?”

He sighed, running a hand through his short hair. “Because every time I talk to her, whether I mean to or not, I end up flirting with her and she’s got a boyfriend.” He shook his head. “She’s so unsure of herself and her identity…I just wish I could take it all away for her.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re smitten with this girl.”

“Wow, I didn’t realize you’d turned into Grandma.”

“Shut up!” Hannah laughed. “Seriously, it sounds like you’re into her.”

“I am,” he admitted. “And that’s what’s freaking me out about it. I don’t know her, but I know that I really liked the time we spent together.” They sat on the floor by the wall. “You’re going to laugh, but I found all these pictures of her online and kept them.”

“Wait, she has pictures online? What kind of girl is this, Lij?”

“Not that kind,” he snickered. “She’s a celebrity, but I’m not telling you who she is. I don’t want you to be mean.”

She gasped. “I am never mean!” He raised an eyebrow and she laughed a little. “Okay, I can be mean sometimes. Fine, don’t tell me who she is. But go on with your story, we still have about twenty minutes.”

He didn’t say anything as he reached for his laptop and read over Mary-Kate’s last entry again. “It’s really bothering me that she’s doubting herself. I don’t think she has any reason for it. I think, for her, the worst of it is over. She has to deal with some fallout, but…”

“Wow, I so don’t know what you’re talking about right now.”

He laughed. “Just let me ramble.”

Hannah linked her arm with Elijah and rested her head on his shoulder. “Alright, keep rambling.”

“Here’s what I’ve come to conclude. I am going to delete this folder of her pictures….like so.” He moved his finger over the touch pad and hit the delete button. “I am going to throw her phone numbers away - when I find them again. And, I am going to forget about her completely.”

After a moment of silence, Hannah lifted her head. “Okay, so…I’m confused.”

“She has a boyfriend,” he stated softly. “That’s the bottom line.”

“So, just to recap for my benefit, you’ve just poured out your heart about this fabulous girl, who shall remain nameless, and just like that, you’re dropping her faster than Dom would publicly drop trou?”

Elijah tried his hardest not to, but he couldn’t stop himself from bursting out with laughter. “I don’t think I could have put it so eloquently, but…yeah, I guess.”

“And men say that women make no sense.” Hannah stood up and went to one of the boxes, opening it up. “Dude, did you just throw your crap in here?” She pulled out a teapot and set it on the floor, fishing around through the contents of the box. “Well I can set you up if you’re lonely.”

“No thank you,” he said quickly. “No offence, but I’ve met your friends.”

“That is so mean!” A balled up sock hit his head. “You don’t deserve any of my friends, anyway! Or should I say they don’t deserve you?”

There was a knock at the door and they looked at each other. “They’re early,” Elijah said, getting up from the floor. Hannah opened the door to see two big men carrying a king sized bed frame. Recognizing it as his, Elijah directed them to a room with glass French doors. As the men moved the frame to the place Elijah wanted it, Hannah pouted. “Sorry sis,” he said, remorse far from his light tone. “I called this room first.”

“I hate you.” Turning on her heels, she stalked back to the living room. “Mary-Kate should be happy that you’re giving up on her.”

He shook his head with a smirk, then stopped and whipped around to see the sly smile on Hannah’s face. “How did you…?”

Turning around to face him, Hannah rolled her eyes. “You said you were reading her journal thing when I came in. Really, big brother, you should guard your secrets a little better.”

No One Needs to Know

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 03:16:35 GMT

It was three days before she got any word from Elijah. He greeted her in her introduction, saying, “Hey, MK! I was hoping you would check this out. It’s good to have you here.” She had been all smiles about it and smiled even now as she stood on the cement steps outside of a tall gothic style church. People were leaving, every once in awhile someone bidding her farewell. She smiled and exchanged a few words with some as they left, but she stood there, mainly to enjoy the warmth of the sun as it fell on her small frame.

“Mary-Kate, it was good to see you this morning.”

Breaking her trance, she turned to see a man in a Hawaiian style shirt, tan shorts and sandals walk outside to stand beside her. She smiled, her eyes laughing as she and the man briefly embraced. “It’s good to be here, Pastor Dave. Sometimes I forget what I’m missing when I miss a week or two.”

Dave nodded, clasping his old worn bible before him. “Yeah, it’s a good place to be, isn’t it?”

She nodded, squinting into the sun. “Yes it is.”

“How are things going?”

“I’m graduating Friday,” she said proudly. “Can you come?’

“I’d love to,” Dave enthused. “Thank you for inviting me. That doesn’t answer my question though.”

With a smirk, Mary-Kate looked down. “Yeah I know.” She looked up and shrugged. “I’m still struggling from time to time. I probably will for a little while. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be…hoped it would be.”

Dropping an arm around her shoulders, Dave gave her a loving squeeze. “Just don’t forget that you have people to call when you need support.”

“I won’t.”

“We’re going to miss you, ya know?”

She smiled and brushed her hair behind her ear. “Well, you still have me for three more Sundays. After that, I may hit you up for a recommendation for a church in NYC.”

Dave laughed as he let her go. “I’d be more than willing to give you one if I knew of any. Unfortunately, I don’t have any connections out there. You’re going to have to fly blind, I’m afraid.”

“That’s a little frightening,” Mary-Kate chuckled. “But I’m sure I’ll manage.” She tilted her head. “I gotta get going. See you next week?”

“I will be here,” he nodded. “Take care, Mary-Kate.”

Back at the center, she was glad to find her empty room and sat to check messages on her journal. In the few posts she had already made, she was becoming fast friends with Holly Marie Combs, one of the three “Charmed” sisters. She sat back, reading over her last entry.

“Can I just say how glad I am that I will only be spending six more nights in the center? It's kind of bitter sweet. I have a simple life here, and new friends. I'll worry about my roommate. She's not doing as well as she should be for the amount of time she’s been here. *sighs* But I get to go home. I want to cry because I'm so happy and sad at the same time. And next comes school in the fall. Moving to NY and being so far away from my family, cept for Ash. Am I really ready to do this?”

Tom Felton left her a comment saying, “That’s great that your going home. Where is Ashley anyway? You should really tell her to get one of these things.”

Mary-Kate laughed to herself and typed, “You know, I really wish she would! She’s still a bit skeptical.” She read over a few entries others had posted in their journals. When she saw that Elijah hadn’t made any posts, she pouted and logged off as her phone rang. Jumping up, she dove onto her bed and picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Hi!”

“Lizzie!” Mary-Kate smiled hearing the familiar voice of her fifteen year old sister. “What’s up?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to call you and say hi. I was working on my art project and was thinking of you, so I wanted to call.”

“That’s nice of you. What’s your project?”

She sighed *It’s an abstract with glue and tissue paper.”

“That sounds fun.”

“Not so much.”

Mary-Kate laughed. “Aw, poor baby. I miss you!”

“I miss you too! I can’t wait to see you Friday!”

“I know, I’m so excited. Oh my goodness, Lizzie, I have so much to tell you. Has Ashley told you about Elijah?”

“Yes!” the younger sister squealed. “Details!”

“Well there really aren’t any details yet,” Mary-Kate grinned.

Lizzie snorted. “Yet! Someone’s been hit by cupid!”

“Oh my goodness, I am so completely infatuated, Lizzie, it’s really probably not very healthy.”

“Since when is love healthy?”

“I’m serious! I day dream about him, I’ve watched Flipper three times, he’s in my dreams…”

“That’s so cute,” Lizzie giggled. “Well it sounds like you’re over David.”

“Ug, don’t even mention his name. Lizzie, I’ve gone so far in my daydreams that I’ve named our kids.”

“Mary-Kate!” She heard Lizzie rolling in hysterics. “And I thought I was bad!”

“Isn’t that awful?”

“So have you told him you’re digging on him? Ashley told me about that journal thing, which is a little weird, let me just say.”

“Are you kidding?” Mary-Kate asked. “I’m not going to tell him anything!” She felt herself blushing. “But I’ll tell you one thing…I’m certainly not lonely in my dreams anymore.”

“Oh, MK…” Both of them calmed down and Lizzie’s voice softened. “I’m glad you have someone to make you feel like this. You deserve it, and it’s long overdue.” She giggled. “Even if he doesn’t know yet.”

“I’ll tell him someday, but for now, it’s a secret between me and my sisters.”

“Deal.”

“Listen, I have to let you go so I can get some lunch, but I love you to tiny bits and I will see you Friday.”

“Will he be there?”

Mary-Kate blinked. “Elijah? No, he’s in New York.”

“Okay. I just wanted to make sure of what I was going to wear.”

She shook her head, smiling. “You’re incorrigible.”

“I don’t know what that means, but I love you too. Bye!”

09. Not a Girl...

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 01:03:37 GMT

Mary-Kate sat down in a stiff blue chair, nervously playing with the multi-colored bracelets on her right wrist. The man across from her sat behind a paper laden desk, looking through the contents of a green folder. Every now and then he would ask Mary-Kate a small question which she would answer either yes or no to. Now, he finished what he had been doing and sat back in his chair, a smile making her feel a little more comfortable. “How are you, Mary-Kate?”

She nodded. “I’m doing really well. I’m pretty much done with all of my final projects and have worked on my graduation speech.”

“Well, I know we just did this, but since you extended your stay, I have to go through all of these questions again.”

“I figured,” she said with a smile. “That’s fine.”

“So tell me how you think you have improved since you first came to stay with us.”

“Well…” She took a deep breath. “When I came here, I was still in serious denial about anything being wrong with me. Anorexia and Bulimia were not words that were in my vocabulary list…but being here has helped me realize that being anorexic or being bulimic doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, or that you’re evil. It just means you’re not perfect…”

“How did it go?” Tia asked later that night.

“Fine,” Mary-Kate sighed. “Same as last time.” She plopped down in front of the computer, fixing to check her email. “I feel felt like I was selling myself.”

“Well, we all know you’re a whore.”

“And I tried so hard not to let that get out!” Mary-Kate laughed. Reading over one of her messages, she ginned. “I was accepted!”

“Accepted for what?”

“Oh…um, an online journal thing. It’s nothing, really. Did anyone call for me?”

“No.”

Mary-Kate bit her lip, reading over the message she had posted and was accepted. “Hey Everyone!
Mary-Kate Olsen here. You know me as one half of The Olsen Twins. I look forward to getting to know everyone! ~MK” She typed in the address to the community journal and balked at the amount of comments she had received to her simple post. A part of her was excited and giddy, feeling like a little fan girl with the different celebrities that had said such nice things about her. Another part of her was still quite suspicious and held reservations, and would likely still be that way until she heard from Elijah. Taking a breath, she decided to write her first official entry.

In the subject box she typed, “First Entry”, then poised her fingers over the keys, trying to decide what to type. “Oh, David called.” Her hands dropped and she closed her eyes. “I told him that you weren’t available to talk…ever.”

“What did he say?” Mary-Kate groaned.

“He said to tell you he was sorry and that he really wants to talk to you, and that he loves you…or some shit like that.”

With a sigh, Mary-Kate looked at the screen and typed. “Well here I am with my very own journal. I was always told that a journal would be therapeutic…to write down all my thoughts and feelings in something like this, and I'm sure it would be if I had anything to say. I'm not the type of person who can just sit down and let it all out. I'm not Ashley...I miss her…” A sinking feeling started to pull at her stomach as all sorts of emotions suddenly flooded over her.

“I'm in rehab for the time being for an eating disorder or two. I thought I was okay, and I even had the chance to go home for a little while. But it was so hard to be there, even just for the weekend. Inside I knew I wasn't alright. I knew there were still demons I had to face. But I also knew that if I admitted that to anyone, they'd send me back here, and who knows for how long?. So I pretended to be okay so I could stay with my sister, the only person who knows how I feel before even I do. I ACTED like I was okay...but I wasn't. I'm still not okay.” She was surprised at the tears that stung her eyes. “So I don't feel right at home. I don't feel right here in rehab...Is there anywhere I 'do' belong?”

“You okay, baby girl?”

Wiping at the corners of her eyes, she nodded and posted her first entry, then signed off from the computer. Crawling onto her bed, she hugged her teddy bear. “Tia, do you ever get scared?”

“Of course I do. Why do you ask?”

“Cause I never see you upset.”

Tia snorted. “I’m an internalist, that’s why. You’re emotional, I’m not.” She frowned. “What’s up with you?”

“I just…” Looking down, Mary-Kate played with her bear. “I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of being better and being worse.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, I kinda think I should have grown up some while I was here, like I should be more of an adult, but I feel more like a kid.” With a jaded laugh, she said, “I feel like a Britney Spears song.”

This made Tia laugh. “You’re not an A, not yet a D cup?” Mary-Kate laughed, only bringing her tears out again. “Oh, hunny pot, you expect way too much from yourself. That’s one of the biggest things that keeps you from feeling like you’re making any progress. Yes, you still skip meals from time to time, yes, you still eat and then puke on a rare occasion, but it is a vast improvement from the girl that came in here seven weeks ago. Look at me. I still sneak off and make myself sick all the time. If my parents weren’t giving so much money to this place, my ass would have been out of here a long time ago.”

“Being here, letting things slow down for a little while has helped me a lot,” Mary-Kate admitted. “It’s being back out there that scares the crap out of me. I just…I don’t want people to treat me like I need to be protected. I can do things for myself, but I can so see it happening that everyone tries to do things for me and walk on eggshells around me. I mean, I’ve been through a lot and if I made it this far, I can make it out there…right?”

“Damn right!’ Climbing over her bed with long legs, Tia practically tackled Mary-Kate with a hug. “You are so strong, Mary-Kate. You can do whatever it is you want and I don’t think you could fail, even if you tried.”

“Thanks, Tia,” Mary-Kate mumbled through her suffocation. “You know you’re going to get better too.”

“Yeah, I know.” Tia let go of her and sat back down on her bed. “Or die first.”

Mary-Kate frowned. “Don’t say that!”

With a sigh, Tai looked at the floor. After a moment, she looked up and smiled. “Let’s go gather some people and go play some games in the common room or something. Sound good?”

“Only if we can have hot chocolate,” Mary-Kate agreed, sliding into her slippers.

“I’m sure we can get someone to open the kitchen…it’s not like anyone here has a problem with eating too much.” They both laughed as Tia opened the door and they left to go find some people who were in the mood for some board games.

Watch Me Shine

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 22:31:56 GMT

I hate filler chapters...

Mary-Kate had never had a day of classes go by as fast as they were today. In the four weeks she had been at the center, she had never seemed more driven or focused to any of her therapists or instructors than in everything she had done that day. She was early to every class and appointment, completed her homework while she ate lunch, and even came close to finishing her speech for her upcoming graduation. To everyone around her, Mary-Kate was making real progress, but only Mary-Kate knew that if she didn’t push herself the way she was, she would break down and lose control of the emotions she fought so hard to keep in check.

Tia had told her to call Ashley, but she knew that calling her twin would only result in her breaking down into tears, and that was precisely what she didn’t want to do. If she stayed calm, focused and in control, then everything would be just fine. As she walked up to the front office and knocked on the closed door, she took a deep breath and pasted on a smile as she was told to come in.

“Hey,” she said, peeking her head in to look at Nichole. “I know we’re supposed to get out mail before dinner, but I’ve been so busy all day, I was wondering if it would be okay for me to get it now.” She glanced out in the hall. “If it helps my case any, most everyone is still in the kitchen, eating.”

Nichole smiled. “Sure.” She fished through the pile of mail on her desk and handed three envelopes to Mary-Kate. “You’ve been the talk of the center today.”

With a confused smile, Mary-Kate blinked. “I have?”

“Yes you have,” Nichole nodded. “First you fly through all your assignments and classes today, then you get a letter dropped off by none other than Mr. Lord of the Rings himself.”

Her heartbeat sped up. “Elijah was here?”

Nichole’s smile grew bigger. “That he was. Just for a minute though. I offered tp page you, but he said he was on his way to the airport, off to New York.”

Looking down, Mary-Kate bit her lip. “I didn’t think he was leaving until Wednesday.”

“What’s that, sweetie?”

Looking back up, Mary-Kate smiled. “Nothing.” She opened the office door again. “Thanks, Nichole.”

“Sure thing.”

As soon as she closed the door behind her, Mary-Kate almost ran back to her room. Plopping down on the foot of her bed, she threw down the letter from her grandmother and a card from her sister, Lizzie, taking the last envelope and holding it in her lap. There was nothing written on either side of the plain white envelope, and she took a deep breath, not sure why she was nervous to open it. She glanced at the clock. It was almost six and she knew Tia would be back from dinner soon. If she wanted to read it in private, it would have to be now. Carefully opening the flap, she pulled out the single sheet of paper.

“Hey Mary-Kate. I just wanted to say good luck to you again, and to thank you for not thinking I was a complete idiot for my comment the other morning. Anyway, through a friend of mine, I got into this group online and, well, it’s easier for you to check it out than me give you a really bad description of what it is. Hope to see you there…Lij.”

At the bottom of the note was a web address, a keyword, and an extension code. “Hope to see you there?” she questioned. Before she had much time to wonder about it, the bedroom door opened and Tia sauntered in with her backpack and a brownie on a napkin. Mary-Kate quickly hid her note and the envelope and smiled up at her roommate. “Hey! Hi, what’s up?”

Tia stopped and blinked, gave her a funny look, then went to her side of the room and dropped her backpack on her bed. “I brought this for you since I know for a fact that you didn’t really eat anything for lunch or dinner.” She looked at Mary-Kate in time to see her green eyes focus on her lap. “If you eat this, I’ll leave you alone.” She set the brownie next to Mary-Kate on the bed, then fished through her backpack. “Look, I even brought you a little thingy of milk.” Mary-Kate looked up in time to catch the cardboard container of milk. “Get anything good in the mail?”

“Um…yeah, a letter from my grams and a card from Lizzie.”

“How come you haven’t opened them yet?”

“Cause I just got back,” she told her, breaking off a small chunk of the brownie and eating it. “Listen, Tia, I…”

“Save it,” Tia said, holding up her hand. “Whether you eat or not, MK, is your thing. You’re the one in control, remember?” Mary-Kate nodded and bit her lip.

“Don’t worry about me, T. I’m going to be fine.” Tia said nothing, but sighed. “I mean it,” Mary-Kate pressed. “I’m going to blow people away with the new me. I’m not as weak as everyone thinks I am.”

“I never said you were weak.”

“I know.” She tilted her head to the side with a shrug, pushing her hair behind her ears. “But I know a lot of people…people who I don’t know and probably never will…have certain expectations of me.”

“And why do you care what they think?”

“I don’t know really. I mean, I know I shouldn’t, but I feel like I have to. But the thing is…I know what I want in life, and I know that I can’t stop until I get it done. There are going to be times when I have to show my weaknesses and let people know that I’m not perfect. I’m not entirely happy with that, but, what am I going to do?”

Tia stared at her for a moment before a smile slowly spread across her lips. “Mary-Kate Olsen, I think you just wrote your graduation speech.”

She waited until she was sure Tia was sound asleep before turning the computer on. Placing Elijah’s letter close to the light of the screen, she typed in the address and read over the page that popped up. It was some sort of journal system. She found the box for the keyword and typed it in. The screen went blank when she hit enter, then a security box popped up asking for the extension code. She typed it in, then double checked to make sure it was correct, then hit enter. The screen changed, telling her that she now had a secure connection and would be transferred to the correct page in a moment.

Reading over his note again, she bit her lip. The screen changed and she read it over. It seemed like this was a gathering place for all sorts of celebrities. She read it over a few times, trying to decide whether or not this was legitimate. There was all sorts of legal type things that she didn’t quite understand, the date it had been created, even different members. She scrolled down to see Elijah’s name in with a small list of other known celebrities.

“If Elijah trusts it….” She took a breath. “The so do I.” She filled in all of her pertinent information, then set up her own personal journal account. She poked around to see all of her different options, then found out how to introduce herself to others who had journal accounts. She typed it up and tried to post, only to get a message saying, “Your message has been sent to a moderator and will either be approved or disapproved. Confirmation of your approval will be sent to your email account.”

“So you signed up?”

“Yeah.” Mary-Kate was putting her clean clothes away as she talked to Ashley on the phone. “There aren’t a lot of other people there, but Elijah was there, so…”

“I don’t know, MK. It sounds fishy to me. How do you know these people are actually who they say they are? How do they you know you’re who you say are?”

She blinked, throwing her empty laundry basket into her closet. “I don’t know. The letter came from Elijah. Nichole was the one he gave the letter to.”

“Have you gotten a confirmation yet?”

“I haven’t had a chance to check yet, to be honest. I have to finish up with my laundry, and then I have a meeting with Mr. Foreman.”

Ashley groaned. “Good luck.”

“I don’t need luck,” Mary-Kate said confidently. “It’s all good.”

“Alright,” her sister laughed. “So you’re coming home this weekend?”

“Um, I’m going to say no, just because this will be my last weekend here.”

“That’s what I figured. Well then we will all see you next Friday. Hey, Mary-Kate.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re better off without David.”

Mary-Kate smiled. “I’ll talk to you later, Ash. Love ya.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

Hanging up, Mary-Kate grabbed her backpack and sighed at her refection. “I don’t need luck,” she repeated. “It’s all good.” Taking a deep breath, she pushed the sleeves of her light sewated up to her elbows, then on second thought, pulled them back down. “Off I go…”

07. Where's the Love?

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 00:18:18 GMT

“Your sister called,” she was told as soon as she came through her bedroom door. Throwing her purse on the floor, Mary-Kate nodded. She changed into her pajamas and Tia said nothing as Mary-Kate climbed, melancholy, under her covers and picked up the phone to call home. “Hey, Trent, can I talk to Ash? Thanks.” She waited a moment until her sister said hello. “Hey, it’s me.”

“Hey, you didn’t have to call me back. I just wanted to say hi.”

“Oh.”

“You okay?”

She took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m…” Sighing, she shook her head. “I don’t know what I am.”

“Spill it.”

Laying back on her pillow, Mary-Kate told Ashley of how she met Elijah the day before, about running from the fans, going for coffee, and their meeting that night. “And for some reason I have this overwhelming sense of ickyness. It’s so weird, Ash. I just met him yesterday morning.”

“Mary-Kate, you’re the one who always told me that there was such thing as love at first sight.”

“I have a boyfriend!”

Ashley laughed. “Yeah, boyfriend who never calls you, who never writes or visits. You’re the one to initiate any sort of interaction what so ever. That’s not a normal relationship, MK.”

“So what? Are you telling me to break up with David and go after Elijah?” Though her sister couldn’t see it, Mary-Kate shook her head. “I doubt I’ll ever see him again.”

“Didn’t you say he was moving to New York?”

“Yeah, but…I’m sure he thinks of me as some weird little kid.”

“Please! If he was really saying things like you said, he was totally into you.”

“You think?” Chastising herself, Mary-Kate squeezed her eyes shut. “No, I’m not going to do this. I’m going to say goodnight to you and then call David.”

“And break up with him?”

“No! I’m just going to call him…”

“Because he hasn’t called you in two weeks,” Ashley finished for her twin. Mary-Kate went silent, pursing her lips together. “I love you, Mary-Kate, and I just want you with someone who will appreciate you. I don’t feel like that’s David. And I’m not saying it’s Elijah either,” she added quickly. “I’m just saying that I love you.”

“I love you too. I know you’re just looking out for me.” Mary-Kate sighed. “I’ll call you later this week, okay?”

“Okay. Tell Tia I said hi. Talk to you later. Bye.”

“I will. Bye, Ash.” She pushed the button to turn the phone off and looked at Tia. “Ashley said hi.” Tia nodded and gave a little wave. “So you heard what happened tonight?”

“Yep.” Putting down her book, Tia looked at Mary-Kate. “What are you going to do?”

“Nothing,” she said after thinking it over for a moment. “Like I told Ashley, I’ll probably never see Elijah again.”

“So you’re going to stay with the loser?”

“He’s not a loser,” she said softly. Picking the phone up again, she dialed another number.

“Hello?”

“Hey stranger.”

Silence resonated through the phone for a lifetime. “Who is this?”

“It’s Mary-Kate.” She looked at Tia, annoyed shock on her face. Tia rolled her eyes. “You don’t even recognize the sound of your own girlfriend’s voice?”

“Oh! Baby, I’m sorry! Hang on a sec.” He must have covered the phone with his hands because she heard muffled talking. “Sorry,” he said again after a minute. “What’s up?”

She blinked. “Not too much. What’s up with you? I haven’t heard from you in awhile. I was wondering if you’d forgotten about me.”

It was a flat statement she had made, but he chuckled. “Of course not. Are you home yet?”

Pulling the phone from her ear, she looked at it as though it were a foreign object. When she held it close to her again, she wrinkled her brow. “No, I’m not home yet. I still have two more weeks. Remember I called you and told you when graduation was?”

“Right! Sorry, I’ve been really busy lately.”

“With what?”

“Stuff. When is your graduation again?”

“Two weeks from this past Friday,” she spat. “David, what is up with you? Why are you acting so weird?”

“I’m not acting weird. Why are you being so aggressive?”

“Who’s being aggressive?!” Taking the phone with her, she climbed out of bed, yanked open the door and sat out in the hall on the cold tile floor. “I haven’t heard from you in forever. Tell me what kind of boyfriend doesn’t call their girlfriend at least once a week? Especially when they’re in rehab!”

“I told you,” he said slowly. “I’ve been busy.”

She held her tongue as two girls walked pat her and disappeared around the corner. “What would you say if I told you I met someone?”

“Who’d you meet?”

“Tell me you’re really not that dense,” she sighed.

“Mary-Kate, I don’t know what you want from me. I gotta go.”

She ran a hand through her hair. “David, if you hang up right now, then I’m done. I can’t play games with you. Not now, not anymore.”

“I’m sorry. I gotta go.” There was a click as he hung up the phone.

“Hello?” she pleaded. “David?” There was no answer and she growled loudly, turning the phone off and slamming it on the floor beside her. She pulled her knees up close to her chest and rested her elbows on them, dropping her head into her hands. The tears that had been threatening to come out all night finally won and burned in her eyes. She sobbed, then covered her mouth with a hand, trying to calm herself down. Grabbing the phone, she went back into the room and hung it up, then climbed into Tia’s bed. Tia put her book down and wrapped her arms around her small roommate.

“Do you need me to kick his ass?” The only answer Mary-Kate gave was quiet crying. “No man is ever worth your tears, baby. Especially one who claims to love you.”

“I hate him,” she sobbed.

“And with every right, I’m sure.” Tia sighed and held onto Mary-Kate until she stopped crying. When Mary-Kate looked up, Tia wiped her tears away with her thumb. “You’re better off without him, okay?” She nodded. “You’ve got to make yourself believe that, cause it’s true.”

“Okay.”

“Now get on into your own bed and I’ll put a movie in we can fall asleep to.” Mary-Kate did as she was told, snuggling close to the teddy bear she had brought from home. Even though “Bring it On” was one of her favorite movies, it didn’t make the fact that her heart was broken any easier to deal with.